SUNDAYS WITH STRANGERS
I once went on a trip to Portland with a girl I was dating, and we went to visit her “friend,” who lived in an old garage, and the “friend” turned out to be more of an ex-boyfriend, which would’ve been weird and tension-inducing, except that he lived in an old garage. Like, a literal garage with an oil-stained concrete floor and a big door that ran up on metal tracks and wooden walls with spaces between the planks you could put your finger through. He was actually a pretty cool guy, and they had a lot of mutual history that they were clearly still fond of, but in the end, I just couldn’t really be threatened by a guy who slept on a concrete floor in a sleeping bag and urinated in a plastic bucket. (He paid like $70 a month in rent, though, which is admittedly pretty cool.)
If he’d lived in this old garage, though, I probably would’ve been very very threatened. Originally built as a garage back in the Twenties, it eventually became an abandoned hobo squat before being converted to luxury condos in 2008. (America in a nutshell right there.) This awesome loft is a corner unit, so you’re going to be getting hit by two perpendicular exposures of light at all times, meaning you’ll age at almost exactly twice the normal rate. (“You don’t look a day over 55!” “Thanks, I’m 31.”) The living room area is sprawling and open, with high ceilings, recessed lighting, and a fireplace. That area flows gracefully into the large gourmet kitchen, which sports a ton of counterspace, as well as at least an entire year’s tuition at a decent private college worth of high-end stainless steel appliances. As with the rest of the place, there are tons and tons of windows, so don’t be surprised if, years from now, you find a weird silent Youtube video of yourself cooking that was shot through a telephoto lens.
Further on is the sunroom, perfect for a home office or a playroom or for charging the solar-powered replicant you’ve been passing off to your friends and family as “your fiancee Rick.” The master bedroom is like the photoshopped punchline of a joke where someone is like, “oh you like windows? How about we just make you a room of nothing but windows?” (But in a good way.) It’s a beautiful room, but I like to sleep until 4pm, so the first thing I’d do upon moving in would be to duct-tape trashbags over the windows. The master bath sports twin basins and a large open – yes, totally open – shower. After people got desensitized to the glass-walled shower, I guess the next logical step was the wall-less shower, where there’s nothing stopping your bathing significant other from whipping a stinging slash of anti-dandruff shampoo at your face at any moment. (Rude, yes, but so is watching them shower.) Further up, we have a crow’s nest-like family room, and a three-sided rooftop patio. This place has a ton of outdoor space, actually; you would probably give up and be like, “dude, no way, are you kidding me?” before you guessed the number of balconies and decks this place has in total. (Five; the answer is five. No, dude, I’m not kidding you.) The listing specifies that there are awesome views of Rosslyn from the roof, and while there are definitely awesome views to be had up there, I’m not sure anyone would describe a view of Rosslyn as “awesome.” At best, maybe you’d be like, “yeah, I do miss that really good bagel place out there, but the commute was killing me. In retrospect, getting fired for embezzling back in 2007 was the best thing that ever happened to me!”
2516 Q Street NW #Q303
2 Bedrooms, 2 Baths
Photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy WFP, 202-669-4467