“Full disclosure: this beautiful Georgetown Federal has been designated historical by the Foundation for the Preservation of Historic Georgetown, so if you so much as install the wrong kind of mailbox, several old ladies from the historical society will come to your house, let themselves in using spare keys kept on file down at the historical society clubhouse, and hit you with their purses.”

dc9871215_0Full disclosure: this beautiful Georgetown Federal has been designated historical by the Foundation for the Preservation of Historic Georgetown, so if you so much as install the wrong kind of mailbox, several old ladies from the historical society will come to your house, let themselves in using spare keys kept on file down at the historical society clubhouse, and hit you with their purses.  Then you’ll go to jail.  This is serious business.  There’s a fancy plaque out front and everything.  (If god forbid you mess with the plaque, the penalty is death.)

But if you’re cool with being more like a caretaker of this property than an owner, this is a really incredible house.  From the outside, the facade looks more or less the same as it did when White House usher John McKenna (who the house is named after) lived here in the 1880s.  But inside, it’s been exhaustively renovated and looks as hypermodern as the waiting room of a Miami liposuction clinic.  (Is that a good thing?  That’s for you to decide.)  In the foyer there’s a whole wall of built-ins, so the first thing visitors will see are the books you strategically display there to make people think you’ve read them.  The stairs leading up have a sheet of glass instead of a banister, which looks very sleek, though if you ever slipped while walking on the staircase, there’s a decent chance you’ll slice a limb clean off.  The kitchen has a little of the old – a white brick wall – and a little of the new – the minimalist, glossed cabinets – as well as a skylight, so every so often while you’re cooking, you’ll pause and think, “I wonder if there’s a cat burglar watching me right now.”

The main level has an open floor plan, so the dining room area just kind of flows into the living room area, which opens onto the backyard via double glass doors.  The outdoor space features a flagstone patio and a multi-tiered, exquisitely landscaped garden that’s private enough for nude sunbathing or, better yet, a meth lab.  (Georgetown is the last place the cops would look.)  Up some more glass-partitioned stairs is the roomy owner’s suite, which has a gas fireplace by the bed, so you can quickly throw your phone into the flames if your significant other wakes up in the middle of the night and catches you texting that girl from the office.  There’s also a sizable skylight.  Hey, have you ever heard that urban legend about how 747s randomly eject huge frozen chunks of sludge from their chemical toilets, which then plunge to earth, sometimes landing in occupied areas?  I’m sure it’s probably not true.  (Probably.)  Still, maybe don’t put your bed directly under the skylight.  There’s also a beautiful windowseat underneath yet another skylight (blah blah blah huge chunks of frozen airline sewage plunging to earth), and the master bath has side-by-side twin basins, and a huge glass-walled shower.  There’s also a bidet, which is cool, though I have to admit, I wasn’t totally sure how one is supposed to use a bidet, even after standing there for like five minutes staring at it and imagining various bodily configurations.  (When I got home, I looked it up on the internet.  Take my advice, don’t look it up at work.)

1412 34th Street NW
2 Bedrooms, 2.5 Baths

$2,500,000

dc9871215_6_0dc9871215_7_0dc9871215_8_0dc9871215_9_0dc9871215_10_0dc9871215_11_0dc9871215_12_0dc9871215_13_0dc9871215_16_0dc9871215_17_0dc9871215_18_0dc9871215_19_0dc9871215_20_0

All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy Long and Foster, 202-944-8400

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s