Metro is going broke, still. They’ve already cut service and raised rates, and now they’re discussing the last resort of desperation; selling naming rights for stations. The fine American tradition of letting corporations name things for money has already given us Little Caesar’s Arena in Detroit (my bowels rumbled just reading that name) and a young boy named GoldenPalaceDotCom Silverman. (For a lifetime of ridicule, the poor kid only got $15K.) I think we all know how this is going to turn out.
Here, then, are some sponsored station name suggestions based on my exhaustive demographic research technique of stereotyping people.
“Foggy Bottom” = “Twisted Shotz Sex on the Beach Prepackaged Cocktail Station”
It’s easy to forget that DC is a college town, unless you accidentally go to Foggy Bottom on the weekend. This name would be worth millions for New Zealand-based “Twisted Shotz,” which also offers fine premade beverages like the “Screaming O,” “Buttery Nipple,” and the “Porn Star.” Ha ha, they have sex in the names! That’s downright outrageous! Their bestselling “Sex on the Beach” shot features flavors of “pear, banana, and cream,” which technically means that, in an emergency, you can use it to induce vomiting in someone who’s been poisoned. If I went to visit my kid at college, and I saw empty “Twisted Shotz” cups in their trashcan, I would call my lawyer and immediately initiate family emancipation proceedings.
“Shaw” = “Bugaboo Cameleon3 Station”
The top-of-the-line Bugaboo Cameleon3 stroller is “versatile, stylish and functional,” and features oversized wheels and a “modular setup” that can handle “city, sand, or snow.” I mean, yeah, it better do all that, at $1,239. The last time I visited Shaw in the daytime, the sidewalks were choked with strollers going in every direction. Parents, you’ll know where that $1,239 went next time your two year old is late for swimming lessons and you’re able to rumble right over and through the other pedestrians with this battle-carriage.
“Capitol South” = “Vanuatu Offshore Financial Services Station”
Did you know that Congresspeople take the Metro too? So why not put something relevant in front of all those Senatorial eyeballs? According to the VOFS website, Vanuatu (a small island nation off Australia) has “no personal or corporate income taxes, no capital gains taxes, and no tax treaties.” They also offer complete secrecy and privacy, a fact reinforced by a homepage graphic of a bunch of people standing in shadowy silhouette. You can’t tell me at least a couple elected officials wouldn’t see the VOFS billboard on the way up the escalator, take out their burner phone, and be like, “So, Sergei, remember those documents we talked about? Get the million ready, I’ll have a routing number for you by lunchtime.”
“U Street” = “Bootube Station”
I have to admit, I was wrong about marijuana legalization. I thought everyone who wanted to smoke weed was already illegally buying and smoking weed, but no. There are SO many more people wandering the streets giggling, with bloodshot eyes, now that it’s legal. Apparently there are people out there who respect the law?? (I know, I find it hard to believe too.) You know what all these new ethical weed smokers need? Organic bamboo bongs. If weed is going mainstream, we might as well start milking these people. The two-foot-tall “Branded Roots Haleakala” bong is made from real Hawaiian bamboo and costs (gulp) $375. Don’t tell them you can smoke weed just as effectively from an empty beer can.
“McPherson Square” = “Men’s Wearhouse Annual 3 Suits for $49 Blowout Sale Station”
Doesn’t it seem like dudes who work downtown are in a huge, unspoken contest to see who can dress the worst? Actually, it’s worse than just dressing badly; they seem to be dressing to be invisible. They might as well walk around with sandwich boards reading “DON’T LOOK AT ME!” I think it’s tied to office culture, where no one actually does anything, meaning that calling attention to yourself can only have negative consequences. (“Is that you, Riley? I meant to fire you a year and a half ago.”) Get them into every recent college grad’s favorite cut-rate business casual outlet store, and it’ll be years before anyone even asks them to help with a presentation.