“I like to zip out, late at night, in my bleach-stained old sweatpants (I swear to you, those are bleach stains) and pick up a two-liter of Dr. Pepper and some barbecue potato chips, and the last thing I want on those embarrassing late night trash food runs, is to run into a dignified ex-president who’ll disapprove of my comfort snacks.”

DC9877037_1Wouldn’t you love to be neighbors with Barack and Michelle Obama?  Me neither, now that I think about it.  At least three times a week, I like to zip out, late at night, in my bleach-stained old sweatpants (I swear to you, those are bleach stains) and pick up a two-liter of Dr. Pepper and some barbecue potato chips, and the last thing I want on those embarrassing late night trash food runs, is to run into a dignified ex-president who’ll disapprove of my comfort snacks.  Not to mention all the other famous people who’ve recently flocked to the neighborhood.  I’d even want to make a decent impression on Ivanka Trump – despite the fact that she seems like the type of person who throws down $200 on a $196 bar tab and is like, “keep the change, you’ve earned it!” – if only because once she approved of me, I could quickly pivot and be like, “sorry, I don’t date women who have good relationships with their father.”  (Actually, they don’t date me, but whatever, same difference.)

But yeah, this stately townhouse is the latest Kalorama property to hit the market, since the neighborhood became the seller’s market to end all seller’s markets.  The living room features an oversized bay window, a marble fireplace, and super high ceilings that give the space an imposing vibe.  If you ever started your own crackpot religion, you could have religious ceremonies in here.  There’s a spacious dining room big enough for one of those really long wooden tables that married couples dine at opposite ends of once they reach that point in the relationship where they have nothing to say to each other anymore.  (My parents silently eat at a regular-sized table;  trust me, it’s awkward.)   The eat-in kitchen has marble counters and tons of storage space, and the dining area opens onto the back patio via two sets of glass doors.

Upstairs, the master bedroom has a library’s worth of built-in shelves to hold all your adult coloring books (RIP the American intellect), and not one but two fireplaces.  If you have an unhealthy obsession with open flame, this is the house for you.  The master bath features a huge glass cube shower that might actually be some kind of art installation about glass showers; to be honest, I was too embarrassed to ask.  It looks pretty cool, though.  And remember, this is a three story house, so there are a ton of bedrooms up on the second and third floors;  if you don’t have like eight kids, you could run a business renting rooms out by the night to hobos who just jumped off the rails.  I’m sure Ivanka would love that.  Elsewhere, there’s also a catering kitchen where the catering staff can gather to funnel box wine into expensive bottles while excitedly speculating on which of the guests you and your significant other are having affairs with.

Out back is a wooden deck that’s perfect for lounging on a summer night and seeing what your famous neighbors are up to, via high-powered Swiss binoculars.  Down below, the yard is landscaped at the fringes and, in the middle, features a perfectly round stone patio surrounded by a hand-assembled rock wall.  I know I made some wisecracks earlier about the religion you founded, but I take those back now, so when you have your full moon Wicca ritual or whatever back here, please don’t ask the Lord of the Underworld to give me adult acne or something.

2127 R Street NW
6 Bedrooms, 6.5 Baths
$2,895,000

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All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy TTR Sothebys, 202-333-1212

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