“A lot of places claim to be bright and full of light, but this place is genuinely bathed in sunlight. You might actually be able to keep a houseplant alive for longer than a week here, though the trade-off is that when you’re hungover, everyone is going to be able to see exactly how haggard and bloated you are, in excruciating detail. (Say what you will about basement apartments, but that dim light does wonders for your complexion.)”

DC9891653_5_2I’m a real sucker for lofts.  I’m not sure why.  Probably because they represent an ideal of everyone living together, in the same shared space, in perfect open harmony, whereas a regular ol’ house, with its room and walls and doors, suggests the much less perfect reality where everyone needs privacy to furtively Facebook-message their high school sweetheart or lose their child’s college fund betting online on college basketball or watch strange adult videos involving kiddie pools filled with mayonnaise.  What a world that would be!  Unfortunately, it’s not the world we live in.  Well, not me anyway.  I get very cranky if I don’t get to watch my mayo videos.

But if you have no hidden obsessions or dark secrets (or are just really good at keeping them deeply repressed), this incredible loft could be the home for you.  It’s located just a block from 14th and U, so if you ever want a cocktail, a world-class meal, or just a quick mingle with the faceless indifferent crush of humanity, you can zip right out for that.  This “crown jewel” penthouse had 1800 square feet of space and a 45-foot long, curving glass wall that gives you unobstructed views of the city, and also gives the city unobstructed views of you.  (“Your fly is undone” – Neighbor with Telescope.)  A lot of places claim to be bright and full of light, but this place is genuinely bathed in sunlight.  You might actually be able to keep a houseplant alive for longer than a week here, though the trade-off is that when you’re hungover, everyone is going to be able to see exactly how haggard and bloated you are, in excruciating detail.  (Say what you will about basement apartments, but that dim light does wonders for your complexion.)

There’s a long, open kitchen with marble counters and stainless steel appliances, but other than that, the space is a wide open blank slate.  You could divide it into dining and sitting areas, or just keep it open, or fill it with rubber balls like the pit at Chucky Cheese.  Anything goes, that’s kind of the beauty of a loft space.  (An ex-girlfriend’s dad lived in a place like this, and when he underwent a devastating midlife crisis, he built a huge skateboarding ramp in the middle of his loft.  You don’t even want to know what tattoos and piercings he got.)  There’s also a private terrace with clear views of the Washington Monument and the National Cathedral, two places that no genuine DCer ever visits unless they have family visiting from out of town.

The master suite also has a curved glass wall, and direct southern exposure, so make sure to baste gravy over yourself before you go to sleep, or you’ll dry out.  No seriously though, it’s like a greenhouse in here, which immediately made me wonder if I could buy the place with no money down, turn the master suite (or maybe the main loft area) into a marijuana grow house, and pay it off entirely in cash after like three months.  That would be totally legal, by the way.  These are the times we live in now.  All I have to do is persuade the bank to sign off on it, which could be difficult if the loan officer has ever seen the movie “Scarface.”  And hey, besides various amenities like two garage parking spaces and personal storage, the building also has a 24-hour concierge, so if you ever need potting soil or an extra sunlamp or eight bags of Starburst jelly beans and a two-liter of root beer (come on, someone has to test the product’s potency), the concierge could probably take care of all that for you.  Everything goes right, after a year you could probably buy up all the south-facing units in the building.  God bless America!

2125 14th Street NW #806
3 Bedrooms, 2 Baths
$1,785,000

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All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy TTR Sothebys, 202-333-1212

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