“The kitchen is what I would describe as “real nice” (yes, I get paid for this), with tons of counter space and so many expanses of pristine white marble that even the smallest unwiped splatter of marinara is going to draw the eye so violently that you might as well have slaughtered a full-grown hog in there.”


Today, right now, you might look at this house and say, with shock and incredulity, “a million dollar house east of the river?!”  Because right now there aren’t many houses east of the river that sell for seven figures.  But believe me, it won’t be very long at all before you’ll see a similar house and say, with shock, “wait, a million dollar house east of the river?!”  And it will be because it’s incredibly cheap.  Property values east of the river have already started skyrocketing, and once the 11th Street Bridge Park opens up in a few years, that curve will get even steeper.  On top of that, since it’s going to be an unusually tight market – the city has poured $100 million into a laudable plan to permanently preserve affordable housing east of the river, so there won’t be the kind of quick projects-to-condos transformation we saw, for example, along 7th Street in Shaw – we could be talking about unprecedented appreciation.

But enough talk of dollar signs.  Talking about a house as an investment is kind of like talking about a significant other’s suitability as a donor of genetic material; we all know that’s part of the deal, but it’s tacky to say it out loud.  This house is still great just on its own merits.  It’s new construction, so you know there’s no lead paint, asbestos, odors, or ghosts, and it’s blissfully freestanding, so no more snapping awake right on the brink of sleep, thinking, “if the neighbor in the rowhouse to my left or right forgets to blow out their ‘Honeysuckle Corn Chowder’ Yankee Candle before going to bed, we’re all going to go up in flames, aren’t we?”

Inside, it’s what you’d expect from a house built in 2016; open floor plan, lots of natural light.  (It’s hard to believe that the opposite of those things was once “in.”)   In the living room area, there’s a slit-style gas fireplace, so if you’re planning on burning lots of financial records, make sure you get started several minutes before the SEC batters down your door.  The kitchen is what I would describe as “real nice” (yes, I get paid for this), with tons of counter space and so many expanses of pristine white marble that even the smallest unwiped splatter of marinara is going to draw the eye so violently that you might as well have slaughtered a full-grown hog in there.  There are tons of cupboards but also tons of shelves, which I’m very in favor of, since once something goes in my kitchen cabinets, it may as well cease to exist the moment that cabinet door closes.  I have like nine of everything, but still complain that there’s no food in the house.  I need kitchen shelves.

The master bedroom is sprawling, with oversized windows that look out onto the woods, so you and your significant other should feel free to frolic around the bedroom in your crotchless Mario and Luigi costumes.  There’s no one out there to see you, unless your office rival hired a private detective to take compromising telephoto pics of you to use as leverage.  In the master bath are side-by-side twin basins and a gorgeous glass-walled shower.  Hey, did you hear about that developer who put in a master bath without side-by-side twin basins and a glass-walled shower, and who then got surrounded by all the people in the village and stoned to death?  Of course you didn’t, I just made it up, but I feel like there must be some reason, above and beyond demand, for the ubiquity of this master bath setup.

Upstairs, the fourth level sports a wet bar, and an awesome outdoor sky deck from which I believe you can see not only the District, but also all the way to Virginia.  “Hmm, what’s happening over there in Virginia,” you could say to your party guests, as you mime holding a telescope to your eye.  “Just the usual, bros wearing polo shirts and bad drivers driving badly.”  Everyone will laugh and laugh, because when it comes down to it, your jokes may be tired, but you’re also the one who paid for all this booze.

3126 Westover Drive SE
5 Bedrooms, 4 Baths


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