“The ground floor features an open floor plan, so you have large living/dining/sitting rooms that are more or less interchangeable. The lavish kitchen sports Brazilian countertops, Italian cabinetry, and European tiles; when you cook, the least classy thing in the entire kitchen will be, well, you.”

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My honest first impression of this house is that it’s one of the sleekest, most modern, aesthetically clean houses I’ve seen in years.  My only hesitation is that a friend of mine just got back from Japan (bear with me here) and he reports that all the hip Japanese people are wearing insane clashing wacky prints and fluorescent colors.  And since, on the culture spectrum, Japan is as far ahead of New York as New York is ahead of Topeka (on this spectrum, DC falls a little ways below New York), what this suggests is that the stark minimalism that’s in vogue right now, in everything from fashion to design, has a looming expiration date.  Remember when you went to visit your eccentric aunt, and how strange her avocado-colored appliances and paisley-wallpapered living room looked to you?  That’s how this house could look in like five years.  But maybe I’m being too timid.  Maybe it’s like getting a tattoo.  Take the plunge, live it up while it looks cool, and then after five years just never take your shirt off/have guests over.

Inside, the house is all clean lines and pristine surfaces.  It gets plenty of natural light from the oversized windows (two of which are actually glass doors that open onto small balconies on the front of the house), which is reflected and enhanced by the all white everything.  The designers really have taken minimalism to the highest possible degree of expression;  the lights are recessed, the walls are blank, the floors are a light blonde hardwood, even the doorframes are barely there.  You know that feeling when you run your hand over your skin directly after shaving with a new razor?  They basically turned that feeling into a house.

The ground floor features an open floor plan, so you have large living/dining/sitting rooms that are more or less interchangeable.  The lavish kitchen sports Brazilian countertops, Italian cabinetry, and European tiles;  when you cook, the least classy thing in the entire kitchen will be, well, you.  There are also high-end stainless steel appliances, including a huge chef’s range that will come in handy if you ever have to cook for 350 people.  Across from the kitchen is a sitting room that features a gas fireplace and some really cool under-lit built-ins which would look hilarious with some Beanie Babies on them.

To check out the second level, you can climb up the primitive system of incrementally higher foot platforms, or you could take your own private elevator.  Yes, this house has an elevator.  Get a Keurig machine and a security guard who insists on examining your ID badge every day even though he knows darn well exactly who you are, and it’ll be just like being at the office.  Upstairs, the master bedroom is so large it feels like an aircraft hangar or something.  I’m sure you’ll figure out something to do with all this space, even if it’s just to buy a cot and put up a huge room divider because your significant other snores.  There’s a massive walk-in closet, and the master bath sports a fantastic soaking tub, glass-walled shower big enough for ten (ew), and marble floors.  Marble floors look beautiful, but their sheer unforgiving hardness kinda terrifies me.  If you ever tried to do that Tom Cruise in “Risky Business” floor slide in here, the best case scenario is that you come away with two broken arms and a concussion.  Best case.

Downstairs, there’s a gym, a sauna, and a wine cellar, which doctors say should be used in that order.  And outside is parking for two cars, and a large deck overlooking the backyard.  Also, the house is outfitted with solar panels and an electric car charger, which will almost balance out all the environmental effects of those aerosol bottles of Axe body spray you use.

5310 Dorsett Place NW
6 Bedrooms, 6.5 Baths
$2,874,900

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All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy Relux, 703-893-0628

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