I was pretty excited to check out this place, because it was the first time I got to see, live and in person, the hottest DC home amenity of 2017 – the in-house grow closet. Not for marijuana, mind you! No, as the listing helpfully points out, it’s for “fresh greens/herbs.” Ohhhhh. “Greens” and “herbs.” For subtlety, that’s right up there with the “Certified Melon Inspector” tshirt my parents’ next-door neighbor wears when he mows his lawn. But yeah, the hydroponic grow closet – more of a cabinet, actually, since it’s only about waist high – is just as fancy as you’d imagine; it hooks into the water supply just like any other kitchen appliance, and it has integrated grow lights and an automated watering system. Ten years ago, having one of these in your house would get you fifteen years breaking rocks, but now it’s a featured bullet point in luxury condo brochures. What a time to be alive!
But even without the weed box, this Adams Morgan condo would still be plenty appealing. The designers went all-in on the minimalist aesthetic; I might even go so far as to say that this is the most minimalistic place I’ve seen in the District. so if that’s your thing, you might want to drop your Scandinavian tunic catalog and get over here. The main level is basically a pristine white featureless box, and the longer you look at it, the more you wonder why you ever liked the non-minimalist style, with all it’s weird unnecessary woodwork and wainscoting and built-in little shelves for the “Gone With the Wind” collectible plates your grandma gave you for a wedding gift. There’s a gas fireplace in the main living room area, and and plenty of oversized windows. And as you’d expect from a house this cutting-edge, it’s outfitted with smart home features. You could control everything from the front door locks to the heat to the kitchen appliances with your smartphone, if you hadn’t gotten wasted and left it in a taxi last weekend. Oh well.
Aside from the aforementioned grow cabinet, the kitchen features top-of-the-line finishes; Bosch appliances, a Miele coffee station, and Calacatta Quartz counters. While this type of countertop is known for its intense whiteness, its best feature is how it gives you the secret unshakable knowledge that you’re now just slightly superior to all your marble countertop friends. (But really, isn’t that the reason we buy anything?) A set of sliding doors opens onto the first of two decks in the unit, perfect for a morning cup of coffee, or holding up a handwritten sign to your neighbor that reads, “Point that telescope somewhere else or I’m calling the police.”
Upstairs, the first master bedroom also has its own private deck, and the master Porcelanosa bath features twin basins, a fantastic soaking tub, and even a toilet that’s “cool.” That shows you the attention to detail that went into this place; I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a “cool” toilet. Now I’m racked with insecurity that my own toilet is super lame. Are people laughing and rolling their eyes at my hopelessly unstylish toilet?! (This is why I’m glad I don’t have my own home grow cabinet – this is precisely the type of thought that runs nonstop through my head whenever I imbibe even the smallest amount of “fresh” “green” “herb.”) The other master bedroom doesn’t have its own deck, but it does have a small office, so good luck trying to convince your significant other that decks are overrated and having a home office is way cooler than a stupid old private deck. And finally, there’s an option to turn the roof into a deck, which I suggest you take advantage of, because believe me, the people down at the beach do NOT want to see you nude sunbathing.
2515 Ontario Road NW #2
3 Bedrooms, 3.5 Baths
All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy Compass Real Estate, 202-386-6330