“There’s also a black-and-white-streaked marble fireplace that’s like if you compressed all of Phil Collins’ drum solos into a solid mass and then carved a fireplace out of it.”

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My first thought when I looked at this place was, “wow, this house looks kind of like David Bowie’s sofa.”  Whether you think that’s a good or bad thing depends on your perspective, I guess.  It’s striking, you have to admit that.  If your house had to look like any famous person’s furniture, you could do a lot worse than David Bowie’s sofa.  (Most houses I see look more like Kathie Lee’s china cabinet.)

This house is nestled – literally nestled – among the woods of Rock Creek, which means you’ll always have a place to dump your old kitchen appliances for free.  (Those city dump fees really add up.)  Inside, the foyer is bright with high ceilings, and not as Eighties-ish as the exterior would lead you to believe.  It’s actually very “now,” which is good in terms of selling the place, but disappointing in terms of me wanting to chuckle at a surreal day-glo mural of Trapper Keeper-style artwork.  The living room sports a whole series of irregularly-shaped windows, which I liked, if only because they’re totally unnecessary.  There’s also a black-and-white-streaked marble fireplace that’s like if you compressed all of Phil Collins’ drum solos into a solid mass and then carved a fireplace out of it.  Further on, there’s a beautiful, light-filled “morning room,” which I was disappointed to learn is basically just a sunroom, and not a specially-outfitted room where you can get intravenous caffeine injections.  It’s a wonderful sunroom, though, with rows of oversized floor-to-ceiling windows and a door the opens onto the wooden deck.  From the deck you get serene, breathtaking views of the lush woods, and if you and two of your friends got a good running start, you could fling an old washing machine at least fifteen feet out into the forest.

The gourmet kitchen sports blonde wood cabinetry, stainless steel appliances, and an angled breakfast nook with more whimsically shaped (but stylish) windows.  Going upstairs, there are more small windows set into the wall that basically function as skylights, so if you ever walk downstairs in the morning with a hangover, it’ll be just like taking a series of small punches to the face.  The master bedroom has cathedral ceilings and a sort of pyramid of windows that look out onto the park, as well as a small gas fireplace where you could burn the entrails of various animals to divine the future, if that’s your thing.  The master bath is all marble, I wouldn’t be surprised if when you turned on the taps in the sink, liquefied marble came out.

The lower level features a huge family room, as well as a sitting room that opens, via sliding glass doors, directly onto the backyard.  Keep them windexed and I guarantee that within six months, someone walks face-first into them.  I’m snickering just thinking about it.  There’s also a small kitchen down there, and a home office with tons of windows and, strangely, a door that opens directly onto the woods.  Seems dangerous to me, because after three or four hours of Excel spreadsheets you’d think there’d be a tremendous temptation to stand up, walk out into the woods, and keep walking until you’re in West Virginia.  There’s also a really awesome covered deck that you’ll probably plan on using as a “nature meditation room” but will end up as storage space for 164-count pallets of paper towels from Costco.  Don’t feel bad; knowing you’re prepared to absorb any spill is a sort of nirvana in and of itself.

6704 Oregon Avenue NW
5 Bedrooms, 4.5 Baths
$1,465,000

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All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy TTR Sotheby’s, 202-333-1212

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