“This roof deck is seriously huge though, coming in at 1250 square feet.  That figure made me curious how much square footage I have in my apartment, and if it’s larger or smaller than this roof deck, but I stopped halfway through my calculations because quite frankly if I discovered that my entire apartment is less spacious than this house’s roof deck, then I would have to acknowledge, finally and conclusively, that something in my life went terribly wrong, at which point there would be only one thing for me to do – sue my parents for having me.”

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Don’t get me wrong, I love traditional historic Georgetown, but if those houses were items of clothing, they’d probably be bow ties.  And Georgetown doesn’t need any more metaphorical (or literal) bow ties.  This hyper-modern beauty is more of a spacesuit than a bow tie, or maybe it’s one of those austere Scandinavian smock dresses that the art director in your office always wears, which must be pretty expensive since she drinks her coffee leaning forward at a 45-degree angle just to make sure she doesn’t spill on herself.

The main living area sports a vaulted ceiling and windows that are at least ten feet tall.  These are windows that you’ll have to pay someone to come to your house and clean; just be careful that your life doesn’t become the opening of a terrible adult film.  The dining room is tucked under the lofted second floor overlook, and flows into the rear of the house, which is split between the kitchen and the family room.  The gourmet kitchen features stainless steel appliances as well as stainless steel counters; under no circumstances will there be any staining whatsoever in this kitchen.  There are also transparent-front cupboards so you don’t have to fling open every single cupboard door every time you need the garlic press or the juicer or whatever, leaving your kitchen looking like its been visited by a poltergeist.  (The first thing 90% of the visitors to my home say is, “why are all your kitchen cabinets open?”)

The family room looks out onto a beautiful rear deck that’s perfect for grilling out, reading the Sunday papers, or growing a crop of hallucinogenic mushrooms disguised as a home composting bin.  Upstairs, there’s a stunning living room overlook, and another sitting room.  The owner’s suite is insanely spacious and has a private balcony with a waist-high wooden partition, which to me is a direct invitation to hang out there with no pants on.  The master bath is where they apparently used all the marble they held back from the kitchen counters;  I’m pretty sure that if you turn the taps on, liquid marble comes out, and next to the toilet was a roll of paper-thin marble shavings.  There are dual vanities, a Jacuzzi tub, and heated floors, which I kinda wish was the norm for all floors throughout every house.  (They must have all-heated-floors houses in Norway or Alaska or someplace, right?)  Oh, and there’s a steam shower that’s so awesome that you’ll rarely, if ever, think about how if it malfunctioned while you were using it, your flesh would melt from your bones like that Nazi guy who looked into the Ark of the Covenant at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.”

Upstairs, the third floor loft suite is 95% as luxurious as the second floor owner’s suite, but is on the top floor, meaning it’s a virtual tie as to which one is more desirable.  The owner’s suite has a jacuzzi tub, but being on the top floor has a certain cachet.  The third floor suite has roof deck access, but the owner’s suite has heated bathroom floors.  It’s a tough choice, but I guess that means whichever one you pick, you won’t be disappointed.  Or does it mean you’re guaranteed to be disappointed?  It’s a glass half-full or half-empty situation, I guess.  (Take the one with the naked balcony.)

Up top, there’s a truly amazing roof deck large enough to entertain two dozen people, which is more than enough room considering that no one on earth knows two dozen non-annoying people anyway.  (You know it’s true.)  This roof deck is seriously huge though, coming in at 1250 square feet.  That figure made me curious how much square footage I have in my apartment, and if it’s larger or smaller than this roof deck, but I stopped halfway through my calculations because quite frankly if I discovered that my entire apartment is less spacious than this house’s roof deck, then I would have to acknowledge, finally and conclusively, that something in my life went terribly wrong, at which point there would be only one thing for me to do – sue my parents for having me.  (I have a pretty good hunch they’ll offer a small cash settlement just so they won’t have to miss any of their shows when they go to court.)

3611 R Street NW
5 Bedrooms, 5.5 Baths
$4,250,000

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All photos courtesy MRIS;  listing courtesy Washington Fine Properties, 202-333-3320

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