The kitchen is probably the most important room of any house. You may technically spend more time in the bedroom, and corral all the guests into the living room, but most of the real quality time is usually spent in the kitchen. (For example, now that I think about it, every one of my breakups happened in the kitchen.) A warm, comfortable kitchen can make up for a low ceilings, bad light, even wall-to-wall carpeting, but a bad kitchen ruins a house.
These kitchens are so bad, the houses attached to them should be quarantined like nuclear waste sites. Let’s look at a few of the worst, and feel utterly foolish that we ever complained that the all-white kitchen was getting boring.
You know how when some people get fired or go through a bad breakup, they enter this temporary mild psychosis and then they jog across the country or build a rocket in their backyard, or get really really into “crystals”? I feel like this kitchen was the result of someone’s crisis.
*coughs nervously* “So in your Plenty of Fish profile you mentioned that you own every episode of ‘Walker: Texas Ranger’ on VHS …”
This kitchen is from Bulgaria, which I thought was a country in Eastern Europe, but is apparently located in the 8th dimension. The designers said they were inspired by cubism and surrealism, and the kitchen does succeed as an art object, I guess. But if I got up in the morning, put on my bathrobe, and shuffled into this kitchen to make coffee, I think I would take a long look around, shake my head, and then go back to bed.
“What kind of tilework you want?”
“I dunno, can you make it look like the kitchen itself started bleeding, and then scabbed over?”
This kitchen just makes me uncomfortable. At least with the other ones, you can kinda sorta see what they were going for, even if they fell laughably short. But this one is just puzzling. I feel like we’re dealing with an alien intelligence here. Or maybe a six year old.
The online consensus is that this is the ugliest kitchen in existence, which at first seems kind of puzzling, but then becomes more and more understandable the closer you look. The vomit-colored cabinets with faux-wood trimming are like a 9.5 out of 10 on the depressing scale, and that chandelier is the proverbial lipstick on the proverbial pig. And to top it all off, those aren’t real bricks, just some sort of glued-on textured plastic like you’d find on the set of a high school play. Add in the fact that it looks suspiciously like it might be a kitchenette on one wall of a basement studio, and you’ve got yourself a winner – er, loser.
Is this photo from the future? Is this the inevitable endpoint of the marble phenomenon? After all, the waterfall island is basically just a second marble counter attached to the first one, at a ninety degree angle. How long before they’re pushing marble cabinets, marble appliances, marble flooring? (Yes, I know the kitchen in the photo isn’t actually all marble.) The craziest thing of all is that I kind of like this look. Don’t kid yourself, as soon as I finish this post, I’m googling, “buy faux-marble contact paper.”
When I was in high school, I always bought weed from this guy who was in a Limp Bizkit cover band and drove a retired police car with an all-velvet interior. He had neon license plate frames that lit up just like the undercarriage of this kitchen. I’m sure he lives in the suburbs now and probably has a wife and kids, but I bet his kitchen looks like this.
An all stainless steel kitchen sounds like a good idea, but in practice it just looks like a set from “Alien Autopsy.”