“There’s also an awesome, roomy patio where you can sit and have a quiet breakfast or drink, or just scream down at the terrible drivers in the circle.  (“Those blinking lights on the corners of your car are to let other people know which way you’re going to turn, you should try them out sometime!!”)”

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Even though it would probably be illegal, there should be a rule that you can’t buy this Dupont Circle penthouse unless you own, let’s say, a minimum of 500 books.  The vaulted, two-level great room is essentially Bruce Wayne’s library from every Batman movie, but if you didn’t have enough books to fill the many, many built-in shelves, it would just look sort of sad, like an abandoned Barnes & Noble in a mall that went bankrupt.  I suppose you could put something else on all those shelves, but I don’t know what’s sadder;  empty bookshelves, or bookshelves filled with dozens of framed family photos and commemorative plates you bought off late night TV.  (This being America, there’s actually a market-based solution to this problem;  my friend works at a place where rich people buy huge uniformly-sized and -colored collections of books just to fill the shelves of their homes.)

But the bookshelf issue aside, this is a spectacular penthouse.  It looks directly onto Dupont Circle, so any time you need to run to CVS, you can peek out and see if that irritating guy who holds the door open for you and then demands a tip when you leave is there or not.  The main great room is a vaulted, skylit space that feels as epic as that one stupid Evanescence metal-ballad from 2003 that they still play on daytime radio.  There’s a very large kitchen with true floor-to-ceiling windows, stainless steel appliances, and some very interesting open, door-less cabinets that are apparently for people who don’t buy Dino Shapes macaroni and cheese.  (I eat it when I’m high.)  There’s also an awesome, roomy patio where you can sit and have a quiet breakfast or drink, or just scream down at the terrible drivers in the circle.  (“Those blinking lights on the corners of your car are to let other people know which way you’re going to turn, you should try them out sometime!!”)

The upper level of the penthouse features a large, open sitting area that’s just off the top ring of the great room.  Theoretically I guess this is where you’d sit and read some of the 7500 books you bought according to size and color just to fill your empty shelves.  (“Tonight I think I feel like reading something … with a red cover.”)  The master bedroom is wedge-shaped and flooded with light thanks to an entire wall of floor-to-ceiling windows.  If this was the set of a Lifetime movie, at the end of the third act the abusive husband would definitely lose his balance and plunge through these windows to the pavement below.  There’s also a small private balcony here, from which you could almost reach out and touch historic Blaine Mansion, if by “reach out and touch” you mean “hit it with a thrown water balloon.”  (Why would you do that?)  There are also two master baths right off the master bedroom, an arrangement I’m convinced increases your chances of matrimonial success by at least 200%.  One has a big ol’ jacuzzi tub and the other has a shower, but it doesn’t really matter who gets which, since you won’t have to deal with the other’s used flossers and mysterious hair clumps.  And in between the baths is a walk-in closet where you and your significant other can passive-aggressively criticize each other’s outfits when you get dressed in the morning.  (“Where’s your offsite today, a clown college?”)

2002 Massachusetts Avenue NW Penthouse 4
3 Bedrooms, 3.5 Baths
$2,550,000

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All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy Washington Fine Properties, 202-944-5000

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