Have you ever dated someone who was so out of your league that they made you want to try way harder, so you start going to the gym five days a week and get a haircut that costs more than $4.95, and go out and buy pants that don’t have an elastic waistband? That’s what this house is like. When I walked in, I immediately felt underdressed and shabbily groomed. This house shamed my aesthetics just by existing. Then again, I don’t know who wouldn’t look bad next to this house. Maybe some kind of six foot tall, perfectly symmetrical Nordic person in a designer jumpsuit. It was designed by architect Janet Bloomberg (I don’t really know the names of the top home architects, but I know that when they make a point of telling you the architect’s name at the open house, you’re supposed to nod and say, ohhhhhh, wow, sure, I thought these contours seemed familiar), and is all new construction, so you’ll have no worries of redoing your floors some day and finding, under the floorboards, an ancient yellowed rolled-up handwritten note reading, “someone help me.” (I’ve never heard of this happening, but it sure would be creepy.)
Inside, the home is totally open and bright. The living room has insanely vaulted ceilings, and massive floor-to-ceiling windows; there’s also a white marble fireplace, for that “Kenny Rogers in a Nescafe commercial from the Eighties” vibe. The dining room also has floor-to-ceilings windows that are so large I’d hesitate to call them windows; they’re more like walls that happen to be made of glass. You’ll have plenty of natural light in here, with the side benefit that if anyone ever puts sugar on your grits, you can dive headfirst out the window and just keep running forever. The kitchen is a masterpiece of austere minimalism, with a marble waterfall island, stainless steel appliances, and textured wood cabinetry that looks like it cost more than my college education. Further on, there’s a family room (all of these “rooms,” it should be noted, don’t actually have walls, so they’re more “spaces” than actual rooms) with another fireplace, because I guess you can never have too many fireplaces? The family room opens onto a massive wraparound terrace, which has more than enough room for an entire outdoor furniture set, plus whatever monstrous grill your father-in-law bullies you into buying.
Downstairs is a sleek, all-white rec room with a kitchenette-slash-wet bar; it’s the least cave-like man cave I’ve ever seen. It’s more like the reception area of a really expensive plastic surgery clinic. Also down here is the wine cellar, a glass-doored vault that, if your life was a b-grade thriller, is where you’d lock up the captured kidnapper while you figure out a way to make him tell you where your daughter is. Oh, and there’s a fantastic sauna down here too. Your days of looking pale and undermoisturized are over – from now on, you’re going to be as red as a lobster and constantly glistening with sweat. It’s really a lateral move, I guess.
Up top, the master bedroom sports one entire wall of windows, and a massive walk-in closet. The master bath is huge too, with a soaking tub in the glass-walled shower, a setup which always seems sort of weird until you imagine the bliss of taking a hot shower while also reclining in a tub of hot water. Out behind the house is a large sundeck, and a heated pool, so you can post all sorts of annoying “I’m swimming during a snowstorm” photos on Instagram. And finally, it should be noted that the house is on a cul de sac, and closely overlooks Rock Creek Park, so this is as close to peaceful country livin’ as you’re going to get in the District, without buying a whole block in, like, Shaw, bulldozing the houses, and planting a bunch of trees, which I maintain is what Jeff Bezos should’ve done when he moved here instead of buying a boring old mansion.
2803 Chesapeake Street NW
6 Bedrooms, 5.5 Baths
All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy Compass, 202-448-9002