A fully detached house is rare in Georgetown. In even the nicest rowhomes in this part of town, you can always just barely hear your neighbors through the walls, clinking their silver against their fine china and talking about capital gains or steel tariffs or whatever people talk about in Georgetown. This detached Federal stands entirely alone, though, much like you did that one time your ex took you to their office Christmas party and then disappeared for like forty minutes.
Though it’s modestly proportioned, the house actually seems fairly roomy once you get inside. The living room is bright and airy, and there’s a beautiful antique fireplace along one wall. Considering the age of this part of town, there’s a pretty good chance that a bunch of colonists gathered around this fireplace at some point and said unkind and possibly seditioius things about the king, which is vaguely ironic considering that we all have that one friend now who, after three drinks, starts ranting about how democracy has proven it just isn’t a viable form of government anymore. The dining room has fabulous patterned wallpaper that extends over the ceiling and looks like the lining of a suit jacket owned by your wacky uncle who loves puns and limericks, and there’s a long row of windows that look out onto the garden. The kitchen is nicely appointed with top of the line stainless steel appliances, and has a ton of counter space. There’s also a set of glass doors that open directly onto the garden, so any botched casseroles can be flung outside to be eaten by rats. The family room is huge, with gleaming hardwood floors, tons of windows, and an even larger fireplace than the one in the living room. Odds are slim you’ll ever need to cook an entire horse over an open flame, but in the even that civilization collapses, it’s nice to know you have the option.
Upstairs, the bedrooms each have their own unique personality, unlike your significant other’s exes. The master bedroom is a sprawling corner suite, with yet another antique fireplace. (I couldn’t figure out why this house had so many darn fireplaces until I realized that back when this house was built, fireplaces were a house’s only means of heating.) The master bath is cozy, with a glass-walled shower and a single basin, which is fine. Twin basins are a thing now, but I’m highly skeptical that any couples are actually standing side by side while they brush their teeth at their respective sinks. It seems like one of those things you see in TV commercials but never in real life, like happy drunks or people buying American cars.
The lower level is an unfinished basement that, with a moderate amount of renovation, could be turned into a pretty awesome man cave where you could hide out on evenings and weekends because your significant other is furious that you spent the children’s college fund on converting the unfinished basement into a stupid man cave. (I’m not saying you should do it, only that you could.) And finally, out behind the house, the garden is the crown jewel of this property. It’s hard to overstate how lush and wild it is back there; the term “Amazonian” comes to mind. From the stone patio you look back into an extremely private green space that’s like a captured piece of the jungle, with overhanging trees, ivy-covered walls, and a small pool. I’m not saying you should grow weed back here, but I am saying that I’ll cut you in for thirty percent of the profits if you let me put in a few dozen plants.
1314 34th Street NW
4 Bedrooms, 4 Baths
All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy Washington Fine Properties, 202-944-5500