“Further on is a family room, for all your familyin’, and a media room, which is a nice way of saying, “this is where you’re going to spend most of your weekends, curled up under a filthy fleece blanket and watching pirated episodes of ‘Golden Girls.'”  The media room opens onto a nice little balcony, so you can go out there and have a cigarette and decompress after that super-intense episode where Blanche’s ex husband visits and almost tears the girl-clique apart.”

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This is the house for you if you read that Marie Kondo book and immediately threw out 90% of your stuff and now only read Nordic design blogs and randomly refer to yourself in social settings as a “minimalist,” much to the chagrin of your significant other.   (Later, in the car:  “You’re not a minimalist, you’re just too lazy to do laundry!”)  It looks sort of like one of those special effects studios you see in DVD bonus features, where actors in bodysuits act out scenes in front of  totally blank walls that’ll be filled in later with computers.  And I mean that as a compliment.  After you see a sleek place like this, all the trim and woodwork in your apartment that you don’t even notice anymore now seems glaringly obvious.  After I got home from this open house I spent several hours walking angrily around my apartment saying things like, “what’s the point of wainscoting, anyway?!”  (No one has ever given me a satisfactory answer to that question, by the way.)

The main space is long and loftlike, with lots of natural light from the three large windows at the front of the house.  It took me a minute to figure out what looked strange about the living room, and then it hit me:  there’s no fireplace.  I can’t remember the last time I saw a place with no fireplace.  Still, considering that sitting by a roaring fire for ten minutes is the equivalent of smoking half a carton of cigarettes, I’d say this is a good thing.  Adjacent to the living room is the kitchen, which features all-white cabinetry so minimalist that you’re going to have to discreetly put stickers on each cabinet door so you can tell them apart from wall panels.  There are also Bosch stainless steel appliances, a gas cooktop, and a big ol’ island.

Further on is a family room, for all your familyin’, and a media room, which is a nice way of saying, “this is where you’re going to spend most of your weekends, curled up under a filthy fleece blanket and watching pirated episodes of ‘Golden Girls.'”  The media room opens onto a nice little balcony, so you can go out there and have a cigarette and decompress after that super-intense episode where Blanche’s ex husband visits and almost tears the girl-clique apart.  Upstairs, the master bedroom is open and roomy, and opens via glass doors onto a private terrace-slash-sunroom.  As soon as someplace in DC starts delivering takeout by drone, you’ll be able to spend entire days without leaving the bedroom suite, which for me personally is one of my top remaining life goals.  The master bath features an awesome soaking tub that’s so deep you could probably maybe – like 50/50 odds – cannonball into without fracturing your tailbone.  There are also twin basins and a glass-walled shower, because god forbid your significant other should pop into the bathroom for a quick flosser without being subjected to the sight of your lathered-up nakedness.  And finally, I don’t think I mentioned it before, but this is the penthouse unit.  This is significant for a number of reasons;  first, it just sounds cool to say you live in a penthouse, and second, hearing your neighbors’ footsteps banging down through your ceiling is one of the subtler forms of torture.  If you have to choose, it’s better to be the loud-walker upstairs than the person who has to sleep with earplugs because of the loud-walker upstairs.  What can I say, it’s a cruel world.

1219 Park Road NW #3
4 Bedrooms, 3 Baths
$1,299,900

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All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy Urban Pace, 202-296-1203

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