“The master bedroom is generously proportioned, with an awesome bay window where you can just stand, arms crossed, for hours on end, making your neighbors super super nervous while they parallel park.”

DC10151433_29_0You can’t trust appearances anymore.  Looking at this place from the outside, I figured the inside would be one of those houses where you’d see a framed Anne Geddes poster of, like, a bunch of babies dressed up like cabbages (?), but instead it looked like the set of a NC-17-rated French sci-fi movie from the Seventies.  Which is a good thing, obviously.  It’s sleek, minimal, and nearly every surface is white.  First thing you should do when you move in is go to Costco and get an entire pallet of wet wipes, because man, you just lean against the counter in a place like this and it ends up looking like white athletic socks you’ve worn four days in a row.

But it’s worth it.  The main reason these all-white interiors are so popular is that they magnify light so well, and this place is super bright.  The living room, which is at the back of the house, is high-ceilinged and wide, and opens via glass doors onto the private patio.  The light just pours in, it just barges right in and makes itself at home like a shady uncle who drops by unannounced to ask you to invest in his new car wash.  The kitchen is wide open and has custom minimalist-style cabinets that are so subtle that, when you have a friend over for the first time, you can point to a random spot on the wall and be like, “hey, open that cabinet and hand me the olive oil,” and they’ll “casually” fiddle with the wall for several minutes, looking for a hidden latch, while screaming internally.  There are also beautiful quartz counters;  quartz is like the iPhone X of kitchen counter material, which I guess makes granite the iPhone …7?  (The fake pressed wood counters in my kitchen are a landline.)

The master bedroom is generously proportioned, with an awesome bay window where you can just stand, arms crossed, for hours on end, making your neighbors super super nervous while they parallel park.  The master bathroom sports twin basins, so you and your significant other can brush your teeth side by side in perfect unison (*theatrical dry-heaving noises*), and a soaking tub so deep that if it was mine, I would just take one really long hot bath every year from, say, New Year’s to Easter.  I wouldn’t get out of the steaming water ever, for any reason, except maybe the Super Bowl if someone brought really good snacks.

Out back is a flagstone patio with high privacy walls, so you can do whatever people do in their backyards that require high privacy walls.  (Do people have, like, meth labs back there?  Are they sunbathing in the nude?  Or are they just lounging around in fleece pants, reading printouts of TMZ articles and scratching themselves?  Me and the binoculars I keep on my kitchen windowsill are dying to know.)  You’ve also got parking back there, so no worries, you’ll never have to parallel park while a stranger watches you.  (The final NASA test for prospective astronauts should be to parallel park in a tight spot while three or four judge-y neighbors watch out their windows.)  Finally, the lower level is a separate rentable apartment.  The listing says it “could generate $1500 a month,” but I know multiple people paying two grand for basement apartments that are WAY worse than this one, which is actually quite nice.  If you put this apartment up on Craigslist for $1500 a month, people would flag the ad as spam because they just wouldn’t believe it could be real.  You could easily milk $2250 a month out of one of those eager beaver millennials you see around town who already dress, at 23, like they’re a 55 year old pharma lobbyist and always have a $200 inkpen tucked into their jacket pocket.  Maybe $2500 if their parents are really loaded.  (The risk there is that every time the sink gets clogged or something, they’re going to text you, “you have one hour to fix this or my dad will sue.”)

930 French Street NW #1
4 Bedrooms, 3.5 Baths
$1,195,000

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All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy TTR Sotheby’s, 202-333-2121

 

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