This house is basically the house you’d buy after you won a Powerball jackpot, which I’m like 70% sure is a compliment. If you’re ever dating someone and you agree to meet their parents, and it turns out that they live in a house like this, just turn around and leave, because they are DEFINITELY not going to approve of you.
This massive 7,500 square foot mansion has seven (!) bedrooms, so you may end up spending more on furniture to fill the place than on the house itself. You enter into a beautiful foyer with inlaid floors that opens onto a huge, amphitheater-like living room with high ceilings and an entire wall of windows. There’s artisan trim around the perimeter of the room, as well as a long, elevated ledge that I beg you to fill with dozens of Beanie Babies, if only to see your mother-in-law’s expression when she sees them for the first time. There’s a fireplace, for those cold winter nights, or if you just need to dispose of some campaign finance records, and a balcony that overlooks the room. Adjacent is the dining room, which has vertically-striped walls for that “Midwestern riverboat casino restaurant” vibe. Further on is a great wood-paneled library with tons of built-ins that you’re going to have to find a use for, because we both know you only own like five books, and three of them are cookbooks. (The other two are about “self-esteem.”) The kitchen is huge, with acres of marble counters, light wood cabinets, stainless steel appliances, and a dining area next to a wall of windows. There’s also a small study off the kitchen, where you can sit and take detailed notes on everything your significant other did wrong while cooking dinner. (“April 8 – Added chopped garlic to pan of room temperature olive oil, and then turned on burner. Mother was right, this marriage is doomed.”)
Upstairs, the master bedroom sports a private balcony and a fireplace at the foot of the bed, so if your significant other ever takes out a “Hunger Games” paperback to read at bedtime, you can grab it out of their hands and toss it directly into the roaring fire. There’s also a wall of built-ins, so you can proudly display your diplomas, family photos, and framed certificate for “Most Adventurous Couple” from the adults-only cruise you took the summer the kids went away to college. The custom-designed master bath is a beauty, with a huge jacuzzi-style soaking tub, a glass-walled shower, and twin basins. The basins here are opposite each other, instead of next to each other, which could feel a little more private if you’re brushing your teeth at the same time as your significant other, though if you both stand at just the right angle while looking in your respective mirrors, you’ll both see an endless tunnel to infinity populated by a never-ending series of yourselves, which actually sounds like a pretty good metaphor for marriage. But what do I know? (I know I’m right, for starters.)
The lower level is a massive rec room with movie equipment already installed, so you can project the latest films in HD while looking at your phones, and there’s a soundproofed guest suite down there too. That’s sort of a strange thing to mention to your guests – “and here’s where you’ll be staying – it’s soundproofed!” And finally, the backyard seems as big as a baseball field – the lot’s a jaw-dropping 34,000 square feet – and there’s custom-made playground equipment back here. If you don’t have children, you can rent it out to the neighborhood kids by the hour. Knowing how kids like to push things, though, you’ll probably have to pay a full-time bouncer to watch the clock and then physically expel the kids when their time is up. Don’t worry, it’ll be a good introduction to capitalism for them.
5030 Linnean Avenue NW
7 Bedrooms, 5.5 Baths
All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy Evers & Co., 202-364-1700