The listing for this stellar Old City condo describes it as “Miami-inspired,” which is true in the sense that it looks like the office where you go to sign a short-term lease for a Lamborghini. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If there’s any cattiness in that description, it’s just because I’m jealous. What “Miami-inspired” really means is that it eschews subtlety, which is actually a good thing – you could argue that, with all the all-white kitchens and tasteful antique fireplaces you see in contemporary homes, we’re suffering from an excess of subtlety. It’s a welcome change to see a place with unnecessary glass walls and hardwood ceilings and asymmetrical neon light fixtures and, yes, the jaw-dropping master bedroom feature that I’ll get to later. (Not to get all clickbaity, but You May Go Into Severe Shock and Require Artificial Resuscitation When You See What’s In the Master Bedroom!)
You enter into a staircase that leads up into the unit. The staircase is paneled – floor, walls, and even ceiling – with dark hardwood, giving it a vaguely “Twin Peaks”-ish vibe. (Is luxury surreal or does it just seem that way to people with no money?) The staircase is separated from the main area by a huge glass wall, giving you a really obvious thing to painstakingly wipe down whenever you’re procrastinating on your taxes or expense reports or whatever. The family room, in the very front of the house, is wide open, with high ceilings and recessed lighting, and a sizable bay window with true floor-to-ceiling windows. If someone brings 4 Loko to your next party, there’s at least a 60% chance someone runs through one of these windows and tries to float to the ground by holding a patio umbrella. Further on, the kitchen is just as sleek and monochromatic as you’d expect in a “Miami-inspired” home – there are Porcelanosa counters, Viking stainless steel appliances, and a quirky neon light fixture that’s like a scribble converted to three dimensions. If anyone ever accuses you of being square or uptight, you can just point to your quirky neon light fixture, and they’ll be like, “okay, okay, you’re right, I take it back.”
Upstairs, the master bedroom is bright and has a private little balcony, so you can pop out there for a smoke, or a morning cup of coffee, or just to show the neighborhood your new “311” lower back tattoo that you got on the annual 311 Caribbean cruise. (It’s a real thing, google it.) Hmm, is there anything else about the master bedroom that’s worth mentioning? Not sure, let me look it over one more time. Oh wait, there’s the MASSIVE PEEP SHOW-STYLE WINDOW INTO THE SHOWER. That’s right – sitting on the bed, you can look directly through a 6X4 window into the shower. It’s like a Parisian strip club act, right in your bedroom every night. There are certain things that you see in a house that make you giggle nervously – privacy fencing that’s clearly meant for nude sunbathing, a sex swing, mirrored ceilings – but this one actually struck me speechless. I didn’t even know this was a thing. Have I been missing out my whole life, not being able to kick back on the bed with a bag of chips and watch my significant other lather up? And would it be worth it, considering that afterwards, they’d get to watch me lather up? I don’t know. I just don’t know anything anymore.
Outside on the balcony, a spiral staircase leads up to an awesome 1000 square foot rooftop deck with views of basically everything, and that’s large enough to land a helicopter on, but honestly it seems pretty insignificant and forgettable next to the shower peep-window, doesn’t it?
117 New York Avenue NW #2
2 Bedrooms, 4 Bathrooms
All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy RE/MAX, 202-350-0400