“If you’re a recent lottery winner, this row of impeccably renovated, historic rowhouses would be the perfect gifts for your entourage.  (Not sure if they’re all still on the market, but they were a couple weeks ago.)  If you’re lucky, one of your pals might even sign their gift house back over to you in three years when you’re flat broke.  More likely, they’ll just let you crash in the carriage house …”

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If you’re a recent lottery winner, this row of impeccably renovated, historic rowhouses would be the perfect gifts for your entourage.  (Not sure if they’re all still on the market, but they were a couple weeks ago.)  If you’re lucky, one of your pals might even sign their gift house back over to you in three years when you’re flat broke.  More likely, they’ll just let you crash in the carriage house …

This specific house seems to me to be the best one, the one you should keep for yourself.  Inside, it’s surprisingly open;  though it’s not any bigger than other rowhouses of this type, the renovation cleared out every square inch of possible space.  One of my pet peeves about a lot of rowhouses is that not only are they narrow to begin with, but they don’t even use that limited space efficiently;  there are pointless foyers and superfluous hallways carved out everywhere until the living room is the size of a yoga mat.  This house has eliminated all that;  even the bay window has been optimized.  There’s custom millwork, 11 foot ceilings, and wide plank oak flooring that you shouldn’t even walk on in socks, cashmere booties only.  Past the open staircase is the dining room area, complete with a massive inset wall mirror – eat in your underwear while facing the mirror, and I bet skipping dessert will be easier than you’ve ever imagined.

Further on, the all-white kitchen is outfitted with so much minimalist Italian cabinetry that if you put a tablecloth over the range, no one would even be able to tell it was a kitchen.  The appliances are high-end and stainless steel, and the kitchen is outfitted with an entire Sharper Image catalog’s worth of gadgets, with everything from hidden, retractable outlets to an enviable Miele espresso machine that you’re going to have to sabotage in the middle of the night if you want to have an excuse to keep flirting with that Starbucks barista every morning without your significant other getting suspicious.

Upstairs, the master bedroom is lavishly appointed, with sliding glass doors that open to the deck, and amazing built-in closets that are bespoke and Italian, which is supremely ironic considering the Spongebob fleece pajama pants and high school vice princpal-style suits you’re going to be storing in there.  The master bath has – brace yourself – herringbone marble heated floors.  I would figure out a way to go to the bathroom while lying down.  There’s also a beautiful standalone tub, and twin basins that your cats will sit in at night, forcing you to brush your teeth in the downstairs bathroom.

Up top is a private rooftop deck with Brazilian Ipe, which is a sort of rainforest hardwood (thanks Wikipedia!) that’s so hard, that if you try to hammer a nail into it, you’ll bend the nail.  That means there’s a 50/50 chance that Instagram video of Todd trying and failing to drunkenly hurdle all five deck chairs will be entered as evidence in your future trial on charges of negligent homicide.  (“Your Honor, we can prove the defendant read the Wikipedia page for ‘Brazilian Ipe’!”)  There are amazing views from up here, too; the Capitol dome is right there in the middle distance, and on a clear day you can even see the waves of pure incompetence radiating from the building, like heat from the blacktop on a summer day.  You can also see right into Stanton Park, and the towering statue, at its center, of a man on horseback.  I’m not saying that one of your friends should go over there and risk life and limb by climbing up onto the horse so you can take an epic photo from the roof deck and post it on the internet, but – no, actually I am saying that.

418 C Street NE
5 Bedrooms, 6 Baths
$3,695,000

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All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy McWilliams/Ballard, 202-337-7222

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