And who wouldn’t be jealous of a house like this?  The entire first floor is a massive entertaining space that the listing says is “perfect for hosting fundraisers!”  (The first fundraiser I’d host here would be themed, “I just bought a $4 million house in Blagden Alley, for god’s sake help me pay my mortgage.”)

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This amazing $4 million home is located in Blagden Alley, which a hundred years ago was a backstreet slum filled with dozens of the city’s stables. It’s now a highly coveted neighborhood filled with beautiful, historic homes, all of which rest on lots that probably used to be piled high with horse manure.  I have a friend who lives in Blagden Alley, and when he shows off his new deck or the new hip coffee shop that opened up next door, my go-to response is always, “oh nice, most people would never suspect there used to be a massive pile of horse manure in that exact spot.”  I can’t even deny being a hater – it’s just because I’m jealous.

And who wouldn’t be jealous of a house like this?  The entire first floor is a massive entertaining space that the listing says is “perfect for hosting fundraisers!”  (The first fundraiser I’d host here would be themed, “I just bought a $4 million house in Blagden Alley, for god’s sake help me pay my mortgage.”)  It’s a long, totally open space, and it has a kitchen along one wall where the caterers can prepare the hors d’oeuvres and cocktails that all the fundraiser attendees will consume while they listen to your pitch, just before they say “I’ll certainly consider it!” and then erase your number from their phone while they’re waiting for their Uber.  In the back is a sitting room area with a beautiful fireplace, and backyard patio access via double doors.

Upstairs is the main level where you’ll do most of your everyday living activities like eating cereal while standing up at the sink, half-listening to your kids as you swipe away at your phone, and falling deeply asleep on the sofa, fully clothed, the literal minute you come home from work.  The kitchen is super roomy, with a wall of windows and a huge island that seems like it’s the size of a literal island you’d see in the ocean.  There are also gorgeous blonde wood cabinetry, and high end stainless steel appliances that are many times more technologically sophisticated than the spacecraft that went to the moon.  It’s a totally open floor plan up here too, so next to the kitchen is a huge dining room area, which flows into the living room.  There’s a vaulted ceiling, recessed lighting, and three oversized windows where you can sit and look down at former sites of horse manure piles.

Further up is the master bedroom suite;  the bedroom sports a slanted ceiling and a flood of natural light, and the master bath has twin basins and a rectangular glass-walled shower that’s going to feel exactly like taking a shower in a phone booth, which is something that train-jumping hobos actually do.  There are probably a bunch of hobos sitting around a campfire right now, eating cans of beans and complaining that rich people’s bathrooms have co-opted their culture.  (Hobos sound a lot like hipsters, don’t they?)  There’s also a walk-in closet that’s so palatial that even the most devoted minimalist will take one look at it and say, “screw buddhism, I’m going to go buy sixty pairs of shoes.”  Down below, on the lower level, is a separate apartment that’s way, way too nice for a basement apartment.  Most basement units have the ambience of a self-storage unit or a place where farmers store cheese, but this basement apartment is more like a penthouse.  There’s a whirlpool tub in the bathroom, for cripes sake!  People always say you should live in the house and rent out the basement, but I might reverse that formula in this case, and live in the basement and rent the house.  Couple that with the fact that the first level is a self-contained entertaining area that you can rent out separately for receptions and fundraisers, and this house could be the biggest cash cow since Grumpy Cat.  (The owner of Grumpy Cat made over $100 million off her pet!  All you kids wasting your time at Harvard Business School would be better off scouring animal shelters for pets with benign but hilarious facial deformities.)

1217 10th Street NW Unit AB
4 Bedrooms, 4.5 Baths
$3,995,000

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All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy Keller Williams Capital Properties, 202-243-7700

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