This Forest Hills home has everything you want in a hypermodern house; it’s asymmetrical, it’s minimalist, it could plausibly pass for an upmarket plastic surgery clinic. I love it. When you walk in, there’s a vaulted twenty foot entryway, so if you wear a lot of comically tall hats, this is definitely the house for you. The interior of the home gets great natural light, thanks to the many, many oversized windows; when the guy at the curtain store sees you walk in the door, he’s going to think to himself, “maybe I’ll be able to make these child support back payments after all.” The formal living room also features a gas fireplace, which is great to warm your feet in the wintertime, or to quickly heat up some leftover garlic bread. (I’ve got better things to do than wait for the oven to preheat.)
The gourmet kitchen is truly minimalist, with white monochrome cabinetry and subtle, high-end appliances. I love the minimalist home aesthetic, but it’s funny to think about the kitchens that were popular just, like, a couple decades ago, when every suburban pageant mom hung artificially-weathered paintings of roosters on the forest-green kitchen walls, and had racks of purely ornamental copper pots dangling everywhere. I know everything comes back around, but I’m hoping we can make an exception for that era.
Further on, there’s a breakfast room right off the kitchen as well as a formal dining room, neither of which really sound more appealing than just having a quick bowl of cereal while standing at the sink. There are beautiful custom wood stairs leading to the second level, as well as a waist-high-pane-of-glass railing that your kids are going to cover with so many greasy fingerprints that you might as well just paint it now, and save yourself a lot of bickering over whose turn it is to Windex the glass railing. The master bedroom suite is sprawling and open, and has a really unique ceiling feature; imagine a huge, square skylight, except it’s filled with planks of glossy dark hardwood instead of glass. I’ve never seen anything quite like it, but it’s pretty cool. At the very least, it’ll give you something to look at while you uh … you know. (Let’s just move on.)
The master bath features a custom vanity and hand-crafted Waterworks faucets, as well as a glass-walled rain shower. Ever wonder what it’s like being a train-jumping hobo who, upon hearing the first pitter patter of raindrops, quickly strips down and lathers up for his first shower since Cleveland? Well, now you’ll know, sort of. The third level is a sizable, open “pentroom,” which I guess is a term we’re using now? No one told me, but okay. It’s lofty and airy and this family room up here should definitely be where you spend most of your time at home. There’s also an Ipe roof deck with gorgeous views of the city. “There’s the city,” you’ll say to your significant other for the 345th consecutive night up on the deck. “Right where we left it, ha ha!” “I want a divorce,” your significant other will say.
The lower level of the home is a big rec room with a wine fridge and a wet bar, so just resign yourself now to hosting every Super Bowl party for the next decade. There’s also a sauna down here, so instead of hitting the gym and dieting (ugh) for 10 weeks the next time you have to be in a friend’s wedding, you can just wait until the week before and sweat off twenty pounds in here like a high school wrestler making weight.
5113 34th Street NW
6 Bedrooms, 6.5 Baths
Photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy Real Living at Home, 202-518-8781