FEELING ANTISOCIAL? THESE REMOTE HOMES WILL HELP YOU GET AWAY FROM LITERALLY EVERYTHING

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I love living in the city 99.5% of the time, but that last half-percent of the time, I’m usually dreaming of living on a remote cliffside hut where there’s zero chance I’ll ever hear my neighbors playing that stupid “Wagon Wheel” song on repeat.  These four houses are so remote that you won’t hear anything except the howl of the wind, and maybe the occasional interjection of the imaginary elf your mind has invented because you haven’t seen or spoken to another human being in six months.  Sounds like a good time to me! FEELING ANTISOCIAL? THESE REMOTE HOMES WILL HELP YOU GET AWAY FROM LITERALLY EVERYTHING

Up on the top level is a lavish recreation room with a wet bar, so once you take that weekend class in mixology you’re always talking about, you can make elaborate cocktails for your friends that they’ll discreetly pour into a potted plant the second you leave the room.  And finally, outside on the roof deck is – hold onto your hats – a HOT TUB.  I might make the occasional hot tub-related wisecrack, probably involving Cinemax movies I watched late at night as a teenager, but I’m the first to admit that if I had my own hot tub, I’d be in there every single night.

Up on the top level is a lavish recreation room with a wet bar, so once you take that weekend class in mixology you’re always talking about, you can make elaborate cocktails for your friends that they’ll discreetly pour into a potted plant the second you leave the room.  And finally, outside on the roof deck is – hold onto your hats – a HOT TUB.  I might make the occasional hot tub-related wisecrack, probably involving Cinemax movies I watched late at night as a teenager, but I’m the first to admit that if I had my own hot tub, I’d be in there every single night.

FOR A BILLION DOLLARS, YOU COULD BE THE PROUD OWNER OF…NOTHING?

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When news broke last week that an exclusive property in Beverly Hills had hit the market for $1 billion, imaginations ran wild with speculation.  A spec house in this neighborhood is asking $500 million, and with a 40 seat theater, a four lane bowling alley, an indoor nightclub, and a jellyfish aquarium, it’s hard to imagine the property that would be worth twice as much.  (The $500 million house also has a moat surrounding the house – a literal, medieval-style, water-filled moat – which begs the question of, does it also have a drawbridge?  And who, exactly, are they worried is going to charge up there with pitchforks and torches?) FOR A BILLION DOLLARS, YOU COULD BE THE PROUD OWNER OF…NOTHING?

THESE HOUSES ARE MADE OUT OF TRASH, AND IN THE FUTURE YOURS WILL BE TOO

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In the future, everything will be made of garbage.  Your flying car, your personal companionship robot, even the house you live in.  That’s because we’re making way too much garbage to deal with, and once the ocean’s full, we’re going to have to figure out something to do with all this trash.  You may not have noticed, but it’s already started: container homes are only a thing because it was cheaper to discard all the steel shipping containers that brought Chinese imports across the Pacific than to ship the empty ones back. THESE HOUSES ARE MADE OUT OF TRASH, AND IN THE FUTURE YOURS WILL BE TOO

DC STARTUP SPOTLIGHT: TRANSITSCREEN

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Mass transit: It’s great to have, in a I-love-to-brag-to-my-friends-that-live-in-places-with-less-planned-infrastructure kinda way. But, also it’s the root of 105.3% of your recurring complaints re: living in a city. The truth about taking the DC metro is that it’s all fun and games until you actually need it. Then you’re left huffing and puffing, running for the Red Line only to find out that it’s actually not working and you’ll have to walk to your destination, starting by putting one foot in front of the another in the direction from which you came. Yes, the underground doesn’t come without its trials and tribulations. However, one DC startup is out to make train-bound commutes a little easier, with the gift of foresight. The company? TransitScreen. DC STARTUP SPOTLIGHT: TRANSITSCREEN

“This amazing modernist home was designed by Winthrop Faulkner, a name that’ll raise eyebrows at a cocktail party even among people who have no idea who he is.  That name just sounds distinguished.  It’s the name of a man who wears linen suits and will tell you to your face that you’re not good enough to date his daughter.  This house he’s designed (originally for a labor organizer) is a passive solar home, which means that it gets electricity from the sun and that when you ask where it wants to eat, it’ll say “I don’t care,” but then complain about wherever you pick.”

“This amazing modernist home was designed by Winthrop Faulkner, a name that’ll raise eyebrows at a cocktail party even among people who have no idea who he is.  That name just sounds distinguished.  It’s the name of a man who wears linen suits and will tell you to your face that you’re not good enough to date his daughter.  This house he’s designed (originally for a labor organizer) is a passive solar home, which means that it gets electricity from the sun and that when you ask where it wants to eat, it’ll say “I don’t care,” but then complain about wherever you pick.”

EVEN THIS RECORD-BREAKING $135 MILLION MANSION HAD AN AWKWARD PHASE

We all had a few years when we weren’t, perhaps, at our personal best, style-wise.  For me it was the first part of high school.  My parents still have a school photo of me, dressed in head to toe “Charlotte Hornets” gear, with a perfect trapezoid of tanned skin in the middle of my otherwise pale forehead, from wearing a backwards baseball cap all summer.  Now, if you saw that photo, you might smirk, but you wouldn’t come right out and mock it.  You wouldn’t riff on it.  But if we were talking about a house?  If we were talking about embarrassing old photos of a $135 million Beverly Hills mansion?  Why wouldn’t we mock embarrassing photos of a mansion? EVEN THIS RECORD-BREAKING $135 MILLION MANSION HAD AN AWKWARD PHASE