This sprawling luxury home is described in the listing, not inaccurately, as a “modern villa,” and that’s exactly what it feels like.  This house wouldn’t look out of place in the hills of Spain, or the vineyards of Italy.  It’s on a very quiet block on Massachusetts Avenue Heights, and the listing also helpfully points out that, since only four houses face this block, there’s “generous” amounts of “free parking,” so if you’ve always dreamed of starting a long-term parking business, this is the house for you.  Don’t worry about annoying the neighbors – America loves entrepreneurs!

This sprawling luxury home is described in the listing, not inaccurately, as a “modern villa,” and that’s exactly what it feels like.  This house wouldn’t look out of place in the hills of Spain, or the vineyards of Italy.  It’s on a very quiet block on Massachusetts Avenue Heights, and the listing also helpfully points out that, since only four houses face this block, there’s “generous” amounts of “free parking,” so if you’ve always dreamed of starting a long-term parking business, this is the house for you.  Don’t worry about annoying the neighbors – America loves entrepreneurs!

Up on the top level is a lavish recreation room with a wet bar, so once you take that weekend class in mixology you’re always talking about, you can make elaborate cocktails for your friends that they’ll discreetly pour into a potted plant the second you leave the room.  And finally, outside on the roof deck is – hold onto your hats – a HOT TUB.  I might make the occasional hot tub-related wisecrack, probably involving Cinemax movies I watched late at night as a teenager, but I’m the first to admit that if I had my own hot tub, I’d be in there every single night.

Up on the top level is a lavish recreation room with a wet bar, so once you take that weekend class in mixology you’re always talking about, you can make elaborate cocktails for your friends that they’ll discreetly pour into a potted plant the second you leave the room.  And finally, outside on the roof deck is – hold onto your hats – a HOT TUB.  I might make the occasional hot tub-related wisecrack, probably involving Cinemax movies I watched late at night as a teenager, but I’m the first to admit that if I had my own hot tub, I’d be in there every single night.

The lower level of the home is a big rec room with a wine fridge and a wet bar, so just resign yourself now to hosting every Super Bowl party for the next decade.  There’s also a sauna down here, so instead of hitting the gym and dieting (ugh) for 10 weeks the next time you have to be in a friend’s wedding, you can just wait until the week before and sweat off twenty pounds in here like a high school wrestler making weight.

The lower level of the home is a big rec room with a wine fridge and a wet bar, so just resign yourself now to hosting every Super Bowl party for the next decade.  There’s also a sauna down here, so instead of hitting the gym and dieting (ugh) for 10 weeks the next time you have to be in a friend’s wedding, you can just wait until the week before and sweat off twenty pounds in here like a high school wrestler making weight.

This stunning Mediterranean-style home is fresh new construction, so you don’t have to worry about any ghosts, odors, or finding an old, yellowed note under the floorboards that reads, “these walls consecrated forever to the Prince of Darkness, 1871.”  (Maybe that’s why all your houseplants keep dying?)

This stunning Mediterranean-style home is fresh new construction, so you don’t have to worry about any ghosts, odors, or finding an old, yellowed note under the floorboards that reads, “these walls consecrated forever to the Prince of Darkness, 1871.”  (Maybe that’s why all your houseplants keep dying?)

At the front of the house is a huge bay window with oversized windows, and there’s enough room over here – again, this place is 24 feet wide – to accommodate two or three full living room sets, and maybe up to four, if you’re willing to really cram the furniture in there, and stack it vertically.  (This is a great way to discourage your in-laws from visiting.  “We’d love to have you, but we have four full living room sets stacked vertically all the way up to the ceiling.  We can’t even open the door, we go in and out with a rope ladder we dangle out the window.”)

At the front of the house is a huge bay window with oversized windows, and there’s enough room over here – again, this place is 24 feet wide – to accommodate two or three full living room sets, and maybe up to four, if you’re willing to really cram the furniture in there, and stack it vertically.  (This is a great way to discourage your in-laws from visiting.  “We’d love to have you, but we have four full living room sets stacked vertically all the way up to the ceiling.  We can’t even open the door, we go in and out with a rope ladder we dangle out the window.”)

“Lots of people call their home a “castle,” but then when you go visit them, they have barbecue sauce-stained wall-to-wall carpeting and the living room centerpiece is a PS4 on a milk crate.  This place, though, is legitimately castle-like.  It’s at the top of a literal tower, for starters;  you could hold off an invasion for weeks from up here, assuming you had plenty of arrows, and that the barbarians were too stupid to just go on in the front door there.”

“Lots of people call their home a “castle,” but then when you go visit them, they have barbecue sauce-stained wall-to-wall carpeting and the living room centerpiece is a PS4 on a milk crate.  This place, though, is legitimately castle-like.  It’s at the top of a literal tower, for starters;  you could hold off an invasion for weeks from up here, assuming you had plenty of arrows, and that the barbarians were too stupid to just go on in the front door there.”

“I don’t usually use “squat” as a compliment, but I really like this squat Bloomingdale rowhouse.  Rowhouses aren’t typically what you’d describe as dainty anyway, but this one seems simultaneously squat and graceful, like one of those Crossfit girls with massive barrel-sized thighs.” 

“I don’t usually use “squat” as a compliment, but I really like this squat Bloomingdale rowhouse.  Rowhouses aren’t typically what you’d describe as dainty anyway, but this one seems simultaneously squat and graceful, like one of those Crossfit girls with massive barrel-sized thighs.”