“Further on is a family room, for all your familyin’, and a media room, which is a nice way of saying, “this is where you’re going to spend most of your weekends, curled up under a filthy fleece blanket and watching pirated episodes of ‘Golden Girls.'”  The media room opens onto a nice little balcony, so you can go out there and have a cigarette and decompress after that super-intense episode where Blanche’s ex husband visits and almost tears the girl-clique apart.”

“Further on is a family room, for all your familyin’, and a media room, which is a nice way of saying, “this is where you’re going to spend most of your weekends, curled up under a filthy fleece blanket and watching pirated episodes of ‘Golden Girls.’”  The media room opens onto a nice little balcony, so you can go out there and have a cigarette and decompress after that super-intense episode where Blanche’s ex husband visits and almost tears the girl-clique apart.”

“A fully detached house is rare in Georgetown.  In even the nicest rowhomes in this part of town, you can always just barely hear your neighbors through the walls, clinking their silver against their fine china and talking about capital gains or steel tariffs or whatever people talk about in Georgetown.  This detached Federal stands entirely alone, though, much like you did that one time your ex took you to their office Christmas party and then disappeared for like forty minutes.”

“A fully detached house is rare in Georgetown.  In even the nicest rowhomes in this part of town, you can always just barely hear your neighbors through the walls, clinking their silver against their fine china and talking about capital gains or steel tariffs or whatever people talk about in Georgetown.  This detached Federal stands entirely alone, though, much like you did that one time your ex took you to their office Christmas party and then disappeared for like forty minutes.”

“Also down there is the wine cellar, a glass-doored vault that, if your life was a b-grade thriller, is where you’d lock up the captured kidnapper while you figure out a way to make him tell you where your daughter is.  Oh, and there’s a fantastic sauna down here too.  Your days of looking pale and undermoisturized are over – from now on, you’re going to be as red as a lobster and constantly glistening with sweat.  It’s really a lateral move, I guess.”

“Also down there is the wine cellar, a glass-doored vault that, if your life was a b-grade thriller, is where you’d lock up the captured kidnapper while you figure out a way to make him tell you where your daughter is.  Oh, and there’s a fantastic sauna down here too.  Your days of looking pale and undermoisturized are over – from now on, you’re going to be as red as a lobster and constantly glistening with sweat.  It’s really a lateral move, I guess.”

“There’s also an awesome, roomy patio where you can sit and have a quiet breakfast or drink, or just scream down at the terrible drivers in the circle.  (“Those blinking lights on the corners of your car are to let other people know which way you’re going to turn, you should try them out sometime!!”)”

“There’s also an awesome, roomy patio where you can sit and have a quiet breakfast or drink, or just scream down at the terrible drivers in the circle.  (“Those blinking lights on the corners of your car are to let other people know which way you’re going to turn, you should try them out sometime!!”)”

“The living room features a vaulted, louvered ceiling, a sleek fireplace, and an entire wall of separate, rectangular windows.  If one of your exes crept into your yard one night to throw a brick through your window (for doing that thing to them that one time, you know, the thing you’re thinking about right now), it would take them a good ten minutes just to decide which window to throw the brick through.”

“The living room features a vaulted, louvered ceiling, a sleek fireplace, and an entire wall of separate, rectangular windows.  If one of your exes crept into your yard one night to throw a brick through your window (for doing that thing to them that one time, you know, the thing you’re thinking about right now), it would take them a good ten minutes just to decide which window to throw the brick through.”

“The cabinets have frosted translucent fronts, so guests will be able to tell you have dishes, but they won’t be able to tell they’re plastic Spongebob plates you got from the clearance bin at Target.  There’s also a huge gas fireplace here.  I’m not saying you should try to cook next year’s Thanksgiving turkey on a spit over an absolutely massive roaring gas flame, but I’m not saying you shouldn’t.”

“The cabinets have frosted translucent fronts, so guests will be able to tell you have dishes, but they won’t be able to tell they’re plastic Spongebob plates you got from the clearance bin at Target.  There’s also a huge gas fireplace here.  I’m not saying you should try to cook next year’s Thanksgiving turkey on a spit over an absolutely massive roaring gas flame, but I’m not saying you shouldn’t.”