“Upstairs, the master bedroom is quite large, and also looks onto the street, so you can lie in bed all day and note every single coming and going of all your neighbors. (This is what my dad does, now that he’s retired.) There’s a beautiful walk-in closet with tons of built-in storage, so go ahead and click on that “sock of the month club” ad that keeps popping up on Facebook, you know you want to.”

“Upstairs, the master bedroom is quite large, and also looks onto the street, so you can lie in bed all day and note every single coming and going of all your neighbors. (This is what my dad does, now that he’s retired.) There’s a beautiful walk-in closet with tons of built-in storage, so go ahead and click on that “sock of the month club” ad that keeps popping up on Facebook, you know you want to.”

“If you traveled back a hundred-plus years in a time machine, and told the turn-of-the-century carpenter F.J. Simonds, original owner of this former carpentry shop, that his humble pile of bricks would someday be flying off the market at just over a million dollars, he probably would’ve hit you with a piece of scrap lumber and told you to lay off the bathtub moonshine. (Old-timey carpenters were a cranky bunch.)”

“If you traveled back a hundred-plus years in a time machine, and told the turn-of-the-century carpenter F.J. Simonds, original owner of this former carpentry shop, that his humble pile of bricks would someday be flying off the market at just over a million dollars, he probably would’ve hit you with a piece of scrap lumber and told you to lay off the bathtub moonshine. (Old-timey carpenters were a cranky bunch.)”

“I like to zip out, late at night, in my bleach-stained old sweatpants (I swear to you, those are bleach stains) and pick up a two-liter of Dr. Pepper and some barbecue potato chips, and the last thing I want on those embarrassing late night trash food runs, is to run into a dignified ex-president who’ll disapprove of my comfort snacks.”

“I like to zip out, late at night, in my bleach-stained old sweatpants (I swear to you, those are bleach stains) and pick up a two-liter of Dr. Pepper and some barbecue potato chips, and the last thing I want on those embarrassing late night trash food runs, is to run into a dignified ex-president who’ll disapprove of my comfort snacks.”

“Full disclosure: this beautiful Georgetown Federal has been designated historical by the Foundation for the Preservation of Historic Georgetown, so if you so much as install the wrong kind of mailbox, several old ladies from the historical society will come to your house, let themselves in using spare keys kept on file down at the historical society clubhouse, and hit you with their purses.”

“Full disclosure: this beautiful Georgetown Federal has been designated historical by the Foundation for the Preservation of Historic Georgetown, so if you so much as install the wrong kind of mailbox, several old ladies from the historical society will come to your house, let themselves in using spare keys kept on file down at the historical society clubhouse, and hit you with their purses.”

“Behind the quaint brick facade of this Capitol Hill home is a marvel of modern technology, a fully-customizable home environment that you can control with your phone from anywhere in the world. Think of the possibilities. If you and your significant other are out late at the opera or something, you can use your phone to make sure the kids are in bed on time, and, if you see them reading under the covers with a flashlight, send a powerful electrical shock through their mattress to let them know that Mommy is ALWAYS watching.”

It’s an open secret that a lot of DC politicians and pro athletes live in CityCenter; ex-Attorney General Eric Holder and Senator Claire McCaskill come to mind. I’m honestly not sure if this unit used to belong to one of them, though, and I was too embarrassed to ask at the open house. I guess the only way to find out is to go door to door after you move in, lightly knocking on each door and then whispering, “Eric? Claire?”

It’s an open secret that a lot of DC politicians and pro athletes live in CityCenter; ex-Attorney General Eric Holder and Senator Claire McCaskill come to mind. I’m honestly not sure if this unit used to belong to one of them, though, and I was too embarrassed to ask at the open house. I guess the only way to find out is to go door to door after you move in, lightly knocking on each door and then whispering, “Eric? Claire?”

“The master bath has a glass-walled shower and twin side-by-side basins, because LORD KNOWS you and your beloved don’t ever want to be apart, even when you’re flossing. (You two make me sick.)”

“The master bath has a glass-walled shower and twin side-by-side basins, because LORD KNOWS you and your beloved don’t ever want to be apart, even when you’re flossing. (You two make me sick.)”