“The listing for this stellar Old City condo describes it as “Miami-inspired,” which is true in the sense that it looks like the office where you go to sign a short-term lease for a Lamborghini.  Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  If there’s any cattiness in that description, it’s just because I’m jealous.”

“The listing for this stellar Old City condo describes it as “Miami-inspired,” which is true in the sense that it looks like the office where you go to sign a short-term lease for a Lamborghini.  Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  If there’s any cattiness in that description, it’s just because I’m jealous.”

“And finally, the backyard seems as big as a baseball field – the lot’s a jaw-dropping 34,000 square feet – and there’s custom-made playground equipment back here.  If you don’t have children, you can rent it out to the neighborhood kids by the hour.  Knowing how kids like to push things, though, you’ll probably have to pay a full-time bouncer to watch the clock and then physically expel the kids when their time is up.  Don’t worry, it’ll be a good introduction to capitalism for them.”

“And finally, the backyard seems as big as a baseball field – the lot’s a jaw-dropping 34,000 square feet – and there’s custom-made playground equipment back here.  If you don’t have children, you can rent it out to the neighborhood kids by the hour.  Knowing how kids like to push things, though, you’ll probably have to pay a full-time bouncer to watch the clock and then physically expel the kids when their time is up.  Don’t worry, it’ll be a good introduction to capitalism for them.”

“Through the house and past the open staircase is the kitchen, which features Viking appliances and counters made of quartz, which is technically a gemstone.  Maybe having kitchen counters made of literal jewels will be the thing that finally makes you happy?  (Doubt it.)   There’s also a dining room area right off the kitchen, which would be perfect for family meals in the event that a massive solar flare ever wipes out the internet and all smartphones, tablets, and computers.”

“Through the house and past the open staircase is the kitchen, which features Viking appliances and counters made of quartz, which is technically a gemstone.  Maybe having kitchen counters made of literal jewels will be the thing that finally makes you happy?  (Doubt it.)   There’s also a dining room area right off the kitchen, which would be perfect for family meals in the event that a massive solar flare ever wipes out the internet and all smartphones, tablets, and computers.”

“The main space is illuminated by several windows that look about fifteen feet high;  they’re leaded glass, which means that when visitors are like, “I love the stained glass windows!”, you can say, in a really condescending voice, “actually, they’re leaded glass.”  (I get chills of anticipation just thinking about it.)  Off the main living room area is the original apse niche, which could be a real thing or could be a typo in the listing that I’m inadvertently passing on because I’m ignorant.”

“The main space is illuminated by several windows that look about fifteen feet high;  they’re leaded glass, which means that when visitors are like, “I love the stained glass windows!”, you can say, in a really condescending voice, “actually, they’re leaded glass.”  (I get chills of anticipation just thinking about it.)  Off the main living room area is the original apse niche, which could be a real thing or could be a typo in the listing that I’m inadvertently passing on because I’m ignorant.”

“There are two 10-foot-wide oversized bay windows large enough to accommodate a grand piano, sky-high ceilings, an antique fireplace on the opposite wall, and enough room left over to assemble a full-sized pontoon boat in the middle of the floor just to prove to your significant that they don’t own you, after they specifically ordered you not to assemble a pontoon boat in the living room.  (That’ll show em!)”

“There are two 10-foot-wide oversized bay windows large enough to accommodate a grand piano, sky-high ceilings, an antique fireplace on the opposite wall, and enough room left over to assemble a full-sized pontoon boat in the middle of the floor just to prove to your significant that they don’t own you, after they specifically ordered you not to assemble a pontoon boat in the living room.  (That’ll show em!)”

“There’s a massive fireplace, and above that is mounted a moose’s head, which is definitely a first for me.  I had so many questions about the moose head – who thought of putting a moose head on the wall?  Where did they get it?  Did some intern have to spend a day scouring Ebay and the Craigslist “For Sale” sections of various Canadian cities to find it?”

“There’s a massive fireplace, and above that is mounted a moose’s head, which is definitely a first for me.  I had so many questions about the moose head – who thought of putting a moose head on the wall?  Where did they get it?  Did some intern have to spend a day scouring Ebay and the Craigslist “For Sale” sections of various Canadian cities to find it?”

The living room has a frankly jaw-dropping double-sided indoor/outdoor fireplace, which I didn’t even realize was a thing that existed, so people out on the patio can enjoy the same fire as the people inside, in the living room.  We all have that friend who, when you have a party, is going to get wasted and try to get a running start and dive through the flames into the living room.  (Twenty bucks says his name is Steve, Doug, or Brad.)  In the other living room area is a regular one-sided fireplace, though I bet you could convince Steve, Doug or Brad to jump headfirst into it anyway.

The living room has a frankly jaw-dropping double-sided indoor/outdoor fireplace, which I didn’t even realize was a thing that existed, so people out on the patio can enjoy the same fire as the people inside, in the living room.  We all have that friend who, when you have a party, is going to get wasted and try to get a running start and dive through the flames into the living room.  (Twenty bucks says his name is Steve, Doug, or Brad.)  In the other living room area is a regular one-sided fireplace, though I bet you could convince Steve, Doug or Brad to jump headfirst into it anyway.