“Upstairs, the first master bedroom also has its own private deck, and the master Porcelanosa bath features twin basins, a fantastic soaking tub, and even a toilet that’s “cool.”  That shows you the attention to detail that went into this place;  I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a “cool” toilet.  Now I’m racked with insecurity that my own toilet is super lame.”

“Upstairs, the first master bedroom also has its own private deck, and the master Porcelanosa bath features twin basins, a fantastic soaking tub, and even a toilet that’s “cool.”  That shows you the attention to detail that went into this place;  I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a “cool” toilet.  Now I’m racked with insecurity that my own toilet is super lame.”

“There’s also a butler’s pantry and a wine cellar, which you might need to get renovated, because the racks aren’t big enough to hold the $7.99 five-gallon jugs of Ernest & Julio Gallo you favor.  (Hey, no judgment – I recently bought a bottle of Mad Dog because I was having a gnat problem in my kitchen, and I read online that Mad Dog is irresistible bait for gnats, but I ended up drinking – and enjoying – the whole bottle”

“There’s also a butler’s pantry and a wine cellar, which you might need to get renovated, because the racks aren’t big enough to hold the $7.99 five-gallon jugs of Ernest & Julio Gallo you favor.  (Hey, no judgment – I recently bought a bottle of Mad Dog because I was having a gnat problem in my kitchen, and I read online that Mad Dog is irresistible bait for gnats, but I ended up drinking – and enjoying – the whole bottle”

“And finally, out behind the house is a flagstone patio shaded by a mature tree, and surrounded by a high privacy wall.  There’s also an awesome old ornamental pool, which definitely isn’t large or deep enough to swim in, unless you’ve had more than four beers.”

“And finally, out behind the house is a flagstone patio shaded by a mature tree, and surrounded by a high privacy wall.  There’s also an awesome old ornamental pool, which definitely isn’t large or deep enough to swim in, unless you’ve had more than four beers.”

“The main level is largely open, with an airy living room that flows into a huge dining room, all of which gets so much pitiless natural light that you might as well not even bother wearing makeup, because you aren’t going to be fooling anybody.”

“The main level is largely open, with an airy living room that flows into a huge dining room, all of which gets so much pitiless natural light that you might as well not even bother wearing makeup, because you aren’t going to be fooling anybody.”

“Part luxury home, and part hidden fortress, this awesome Kent mansion is like the house I’d live in if my face, body type, personality, and lack of discernible talent hadn’t prevented me from becoming famous and wealthy.”

“Part luxury home, and part hidden fortress, this awesome Kent mansion is like the house I’d live in if my face, body type, personality, and lack of discernible talent hadn’t prevented me from becoming famous and wealthy.”

“Next is a formal dining room, for when Mom reads an article on the “The Today Show” Facebook page about how eating meals together strengthens family bonds. (Don’t worry, she’ll forget all about it in a week and a half, tops, and you can all go back to eating in silent, separate bliss.)”

“Next is a formal dining room, for when Mom reads an article on the “The Today Show” Facebook page about how eating meals together strengthens family bonds. (Don’t worry, she’ll forget all about it in a week and a half, tops, and you can all go back to eating in silent, separate bliss.)”