“The ground floor features an open floor plan, so you have large living/dining/sitting rooms that are more or less interchangeable. The lavish kitchen sports Brazilian countertops, Italian cabinetry, and European tiles; when you cook, the least classy thing in the entire kitchen will be, well, you.”

“The ground floor features an open floor plan, so you have large living/dining/sitting rooms that are more or less interchangeable. The lavish kitchen sports Brazilian countertops, Italian cabinetry, and European tiles; when you cook, the least classy thing in the entire kitchen will be, well, you.”

“Inside, the all-white family room gets a ton of natural light, and features a beautiful brick fireplace; the space flows into a bright sunroom-slash-den that’s perfect for reading or lounging, or doing what my mother did with our den when I was growing up, which was to set up a flawless layout of antique furniture, ceramic figurines, and fine rugs, and then forbid the family from ever entering the room for any reason, ever, under threat of severe punishment.”

“Inside, the all-white family room gets a ton of natural light, and features a beautiful brick fireplace; the space flows into a bright sunroom-slash-den that’s perfect for reading or lounging, or doing what my mother did with our den when I was growing up, which was to set up a flawless layout of antique furniture, ceramic figurines, and fine rugs, and then forbid the family from ever entering the room for any reason, ever, under threat of severe punishment.”

“The master bedroom, up top, is the literal crown jewel of the house, with a massive walk-in closet that you’ll mostly fill with free t-shirts from charity 5K runs, and the master bath has twin side-by-side basins, for when you and your significant other absolutely positively need to brush your teeth simultaneously.”

“The master bedroom, up top, is the literal crown jewel of the house, with a massive walk-in closet that you’ll mostly fill with free t-shirts from charity 5K runs, and the master bath has twin side-by-side basins, for when you and your significant other absolutely positively need to brush your teeth simultaneously.”

“The kitchen is what I would describe as “real nice” (yes, I get paid for this), with tons of counter space and so many expanses of pristine white marble that even the smallest unwiped splatter of marinara is going to draw the eye so violently that you might as well have slaughtered a full-grown hog in there.”

“The kitchen is what I would describe as “real nice” (yes, I get paid for this), with tons of counter space and so many expanses of pristine white marble that even the smallest unwiped splatter of marinara is going to draw the eye so violently that you might as well have slaughtered a full-grown hog in there.”

“A lot of places claim to be bright and full of light, but this place is genuinely bathed in sunlight. You might actually be able to keep a houseplant alive for longer than a week here, though the trade-off is that when you’re hungover, everyone is going to be able to see exactly how haggard and bloated you are, in excruciating detail. (Say what you will about basement apartments, but that dim light does wonders for your complexion.)”

“A lot of places claim to be bright and full of light, but this place is genuinely bathed in sunlight. You might actually be able to keep a houseplant alive for longer than a week here, though the trade-off is that when you’re hungover, everyone is going to be able to see exactly how haggard and bloated you are, in excruciating detail. (Say what you will about basement apartments, but that dim light does wonders for your complexion.)”

“Upstairs, the master bedroom is quite large, and also looks onto the street, so you can lie in bed all day and note every single coming and going of all your neighbors. (This is what my dad does, now that he’s retired.) There’s a beautiful walk-in closet with tons of built-in storage, so go ahead and click on that “sock of the month club” ad that keeps popping up on Facebook, you know you want to.”

“Upstairs, the master bedroom is quite large, and also looks onto the street, so you can lie in bed all day and note every single coming and going of all your neighbors. (This is what my dad does, now that he’s retired.) There’s a beautiful walk-in closet with tons of built-in storage, so go ahead and click on that “sock of the month club” ad that keeps popping up on Facebook, you know you want to.”

“If you traveled back a hundred-plus years in a time machine, and told the turn-of-the-century carpenter F.J. Simonds, original owner of this former carpentry shop, that his humble pile of bricks would someday be flying off the market at just over a million dollars, he probably would’ve hit you with a piece of scrap lumber and told you to lay off the bathtub moonshine. (Old-timey carpenters were a cranky bunch.)”

“If you traveled back a hundred-plus years in a time machine, and told the turn-of-the-century carpenter F.J. Simonds, original owner of this former carpentry shop, that his humble pile of bricks would someday be flying off the market at just over a million dollars, he probably would’ve hit you with a piece of scrap lumber and told you to lay off the bathtub moonshine. (Old-timey carpenters were a cranky bunch.)”