This exceptional Kalorama home used to be the ballroom for the house next door, so if you have a party and, late into the night, want to push all the furniture against the walls to do the jitterbug in the middle of the living room, you could definitely do that, though keep in mind that behind all your friend’s frozen grins of “amusement,” they’re going to be thinking, “why can’t we be like other cliques and just get drunk?”

This exceptional Kalorama home used to be the ballroom for the house next door, so if you have a party and, late into the night, want to push all the furniture against the walls to do the jitterbug in the middle of the living room, you could definitely do that, though keep in mind that behind all your friend’s frozen grins of “amusement,” they’re going to be thinking, “why can’t we be like other cliques and just get drunk?”

“If you’re a recent lottery winner, this row of impeccably renovated, historic rowhouses would be the perfect gifts for your entourage.  (Not sure if they’re all still on the market, but they were a couple weeks ago.)  If you’re lucky, one of your pals might even sign their gift house back over to you in three years when you’re flat broke.  More likely, they’ll just let you crash in the carriage house …”

“If you’re a recent lottery winner, this row of impeccably renovated, historic rowhouses would be the perfect gifts for your entourage.  (Not sure if they’re all still on the market, but they were a couple weeks ago.)  If you’re lucky, one of your pals might even sign their gift house back over to you in three years when you’re flat broke.  More likely, they’ll just let you crash in the carriage house …”

The main level is wide-open and filled with light;  when you enter, there’s a sitting/media room to your immediate right, with an entire wall of built-ins.  If you don’t already own at least 250 books, you better go out and buy some or visitors are going to whisper to each other, after they leave your house, “did you see all those empty bookshelves?  What a philistine.”

The main level is wide-open and filled with light;  when you enter, there’s a sitting/media room to your immediate right, with an entire wall of built-ins.  If you don’t already own at least 250 books, you better go out and buy some or visitors are going to whisper to each other, after they leave your house, “did you see all those empty bookshelves?  What a philistine.”

“The listing for this stellar Old City condo describes it as “Miami-inspired,” which is true in the sense that it looks like the office where you go to sign a short-term lease for a Lamborghini.  Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  If there’s any cattiness in that description, it’s just because I’m jealous.”

“The listing for this stellar Old City condo describes it as “Miami-inspired,” which is true in the sense that it looks like the office where you go to sign a short-term lease for a Lamborghini.  Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  If there’s any cattiness in that description, it’s just because I’m jealous.”

“And finally, the backyard seems as big as a baseball field – the lot’s a jaw-dropping 34,000 square feet – and there’s custom-made playground equipment back here.  If you don’t have children, you can rent it out to the neighborhood kids by the hour.  Knowing how kids like to push things, though, you’ll probably have to pay a full-time bouncer to watch the clock and then physically expel the kids when their time is up.  Don’t worry, it’ll be a good introduction to capitalism for them.”

“And finally, the backyard seems as big as a baseball field – the lot’s a jaw-dropping 34,000 square feet – and there’s custom-made playground equipment back here.  If you don’t have children, you can rent it out to the neighborhood kids by the hour.  Knowing how kids like to push things, though, you’ll probably have to pay a full-time bouncer to watch the clock and then physically expel the kids when their time is up.  Don’t worry, it’ll be a good introduction to capitalism for them.”

“Through the house and past the open staircase is the kitchen, which features Viking appliances and counters made of quartz, which is technically a gemstone.  Maybe having kitchen counters made of literal jewels will be the thing that finally makes you happy?  (Doubt it.)   There’s also a dining room area right off the kitchen, which would be perfect for family meals in the event that a massive solar flare ever wipes out the internet and all smartphones, tablets, and computers.”

“Through the house and past the open staircase is the kitchen, which features Viking appliances and counters made of quartz, which is technically a gemstone.  Maybe having kitchen counters made of literal jewels will be the thing that finally makes you happy?  (Doubt it.)   There’s also a dining room area right off the kitchen, which would be perfect for family meals in the event that a massive solar flare ever wipes out the internet and all smartphones, tablets, and computers.”

“The main space is illuminated by several windows that look about fifteen feet high;  they’re leaded glass, which means that when visitors are like, “I love the stained glass windows!”, you can say, in a really condescending voice, “actually, they’re leaded glass.”  (I get chills of anticipation just thinking about it.)  Off the main living room area is the original apse niche, which could be a real thing or could be a typo in the listing that I’m inadvertently passing on because I’m ignorant.”

“The main space is illuminated by several windows that look about fifteen feet high;  they’re leaded glass, which means that when visitors are like, “I love the stained glass windows!”, you can say, in a really condescending voice, “actually, they’re leaded glass.”  (I get chills of anticipation just thinking about it.)  Off the main living room area is the original apse niche, which could be a real thing or could be a typo in the listing that I’m inadvertently passing on because I’m ignorant.”