THE GREATEST HOSTESS GIFTS YOU CAN SCORE IN DC

If you’ve hosted anybody in your humble abode, you can probably share in reminiscing about the highs and lows of hosting. Not ringing any bells? Let me give you an example. High: Having guests praise your amazing ability to pick out high-brow snacks from Whole Foods AND making them believe that yeah, you totally eat like this all the time. Low: Having everyone turn to you after they devour your perfectly laid out charcuterie board, with that “what’s next?” look in their eyes. A cheese board is an event in and of itself, people! THE GREATEST HOSTESS GIFTS YOU CAN SCORE IN DC

HOG HOTELS AND DRONE HIVES: YOUR FUTURE NEIGHBORS ARE GOING TO BE VERY WEIRD

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You may think it can’t get any worse than the couple next door who passive-aggressively weed-whacks your front yard, without even asking, when it gets a sliver higher than an inch, or the recent GW grads who have all their salmon shorts-wearing bros over to their deck every single weekend to play beer pong and toss their red Solo cups into your backyard, but no, it can actually get a lot worse.  People aren’t just moving to cities;  entire industries are, too, and as they confront the problem of scarcer real estate, they’re embracing verticality.  Which means your next neighbor could be, say, a thirty-story drone hive. HOG HOTELS AND DRONE HIVES: YOUR FUTURE NEIGHBORS ARE GOING TO BE VERY WEIRD

I don’t think this is the most expensive place to ever hit the market in Shaw, but it’s up there.  That, incidentally, would be a great, albeit unsubtle humblebrag-ish thing to say to your friends when they come over to see your new place.  “I don’t think this was the most expensive place to ever hit the market in Shaw, but it was up there!  Ha ha!”  Then when your friends are in the car on the way home, they can do a vicious, nasal impression of you saying that.  “‘I don’t think this was the most expensive place to ever hit the market in Shaw, but it was up there!’  Why would he even say that?!  He might as well just grab you by the shoulders and shout, ‘I’m rich!’  We’re definitely not inviting him to the wedding.”  (Not being invited to your wedding is a gift, not a punishment, Brenda.)

I don’t think this is the most expensive place to ever hit the market in Shaw, but it’s up there.  That, incidentally, would be a great, albeit unsubtle humblebrag-ish thing to say to your friends when they come over to see your new place.  “I don’t think this was the most expensive place to ever hit the market in Shaw, but it was up there!  Ha ha!”  Then when your friends are in the car on the way home, they can do a vicious, nasal impression of you saying that.  “‘I don’t think this was the most expensive place to ever hit the market in Shaw, but it was up there!’  Why would he even say that?!  He might as well just grab you by the shoulders and shout, ‘I’m rich!’  We’re definitely not inviting him to the wedding.”  (Not being invited to your wedding is a gift, not a punishment, Brenda.)

DRINK, EAT, AND BASK IN SUNSHINE (FINALLY): DC’S BEST PATIOS

DCers, it’s been a while since we have all been able to share a meal al fresco. Fear not, though, because the monster that was Winter 2018 is behind us –– it’s finally patio season. I doubt I even have to ask for amens after that long drudgery, but I’ll do it regardless. Can I get an amen?!

This is the first year in forever when I haven’t even been bothered by the fact that the air is so thick with pollen I have to consider how my outfits will match with the dusty yellow backdrop that is Spring in the District. In fact, I’ve considered gathering all of the pollen together in a big pollen pile (the way you do with leaves in the fall) and jumping in it right after I’ve hyped myself up on some Zyrtec. In other words, I’m pretty excited that the cold weather is a distant memory. DRINK, EAT, AND BASK IN SUNSHINE (FINALLY): DC’S BEST PATIOS