FEELING ANTISOCIAL? THESE REMOTE HOMES WILL HELP YOU GET AWAY FROM LITERALLY EVERYTHING

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I love living in the city 99.5% of the time, but that last half-percent of the time, I’m usually dreaming of living on a remote cliffside hut where there’s zero chance I’ll ever hear my neighbors playing that stupid “Wagon Wheel” song on repeat.  These four houses are so remote that you won’t hear anything except the howl of the wind, and maybe the occasional interjection of the imaginary elf your mind has invented because you haven’t seen or spoken to another human being in six months.  Sounds like a good time to me! FEELING ANTISOCIAL? THESE REMOTE HOMES WILL HELP YOU GET AWAY FROM LITERALLY EVERYTHING

Up on the top level is a lavish recreation room with a wet bar, so once you take that weekend class in mixology you’re always talking about, you can make elaborate cocktails for your friends that they’ll discreetly pour into a potted plant the second you leave the room.  And finally, outside on the roof deck is – hold onto your hats – a HOT TUB.  I might make the occasional hot tub-related wisecrack, probably involving Cinemax movies I watched late at night as a teenager, but I’m the first to admit that if I had my own hot tub, I’d be in there every single night.

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U Street has become increasingly dominated by huge, luxury high-rises that I can’t afford, so it’s a breath of fresh air to come across an intimate little home like this.  I mean, I can’t afford this place either, but at least it’s cute.  It looks like a house you’d see in the bottom of an aquarium, and you know if it was like thirty years ago, that fence out front would be a picket fence.  It even has a porch!  You could sit out there and talk to your neighbors as they walked by.  (“Thanks for inviting us to the block party, ma’am, but we’re just the HVAC guys from the high-rise next door.”)

Inside, the main level gets amazing natural light.  It’s a fully detached home, and the previous owners took full advantage of this by converting an entire wall of the living room into a massive window.  I’d be tempted to do the same to the opposite wall, and really turn this place into a chamber of sunlight, but if you took out another load-bearing wall, the entire house would probably collapse, which might hurt the resale value.  Further on, the kitchen features a marble waterfall island, high-end stainless steel appliances, and pristine white cabinetry.  (Between the living room’s window-wall and the kitchen’s white cabinets, you’re going to have to open a line of credit just to afford enough cleaning wipes.)  There are also a pair of sliding glass doors that directly access the outside, so if your significant other is ever like, “try this guacamole I made, I put peas in it,” you can immediately walk out and not come home for like three days.  (Trust me, no one will blame you.)

Off the kitchen is the sprawling dining room, which opens via more sliding glass doors onto the back patio.  The patio’s paved with stone and surrounded by a high privacy fence, and there’s a tiny toolshed back here that might pass for an accessory dwelling, depending on how gullible your prospective tenant is.  Upstairs, the second level has deeply burnished hardwood floors, and the master bedroom has a private balcony from which you can see down into at least a dozen nearby backyards, which I bet just thrills you, you pervert.  The master bath features twin basins, a marble countertop, and a really cool mirror framed by seasoned wood, which I would probably not carve my initials into until the second or even third week I lived there.  There’s also a glass-walled shower with a rainfall showerhead, which is hands down my favorite meteorologically-themed bathroom accessory.  (Least favorite:  the lightning toilet.)

Up on the top level is a lavish recreation room with a wet bar, so once you take that weekend class in mixology you’re always talking about, you can make elaborate cocktails for your friends that they’ll discreetly pour into a potted plant the second you leave the room.  And finally, outside on the roof deck is – hold onto your hats – a HOT TUB.  I might make the occasional hot tub-related wisecrack, probably involving Cinemax movies I watched late at night as a teenager, but I’m the first to admit that if I had my own hot tub, I’d be in there every single night.  Have you ever sat in a steaming hot tub on a snowy winter night?  It’s the closest thing I’ve ever had to a religious experience, or to starring in my own personal Cinemax movie, which is pretty much the same thing.

1909 12th Street NW
3 Bedrooms, 3.5 Baths
$1,699,900

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All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy Compass, 202-386-6330

FOR A BILLION DOLLARS, YOU COULD BE THE PROUD OWNER OF…NOTHING?

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When news broke last week that an exclusive property in Beverly Hills had hit the market for $1 billion, imaginations ran wild with speculation.  A spec house in this neighborhood is asking $500 million, and with a 40 seat theater, a four lane bowling alley, an indoor nightclub, and a jellyfish aquarium, it’s hard to imagine the property that would be worth twice as much.  (The $500 million house also has a moat surrounding the house – a literal, medieval-style, water-filled moat – which begs the question of, does it also have a drawbridge?  And who, exactly, are they worried is going to charge up there with pitchforks and torches?) FOR A BILLION DOLLARS, YOU COULD BE THE PROUD OWNER OF…NOTHING?

The lower level of the home is a big rec room with a wine fridge and a wet bar, so just resign yourself now to hosting every Super Bowl party for the next decade.  There’s also a sauna down here, so instead of hitting the gym and dieting (ugh) for 10 weeks the next time you have to be in a friend’s wedding, you can just wait until the week before and sweat off twenty pounds in here like a high school wrestler making weight.

The lower level of the home is a big rec room with a wine fridge and a wet bar, so just resign yourself now to hosting every Super Bowl party for the next decade.  There’s also a sauna down here, so instead of hitting the gym and dieting (ugh) for 10 weeks the next time you have to be in a friend’s wedding, you can just wait until the week before and sweat off twenty pounds in here like a high school wrestler making weight.

THESE HOUSES ARE MADE OUT OF TRASH, AND IN THE FUTURE YOURS WILL BE TOO

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In the future, everything will be made of garbage.  Your flying car, your personal companionship robot, even the house you live in.  That’s because we’re making way too much garbage to deal with, and once the ocean’s full, we’re going to have to figure out something to do with all this trash.  You may not have noticed, but it’s already started: container homes are only a thing because it was cheaper to discard all the steel shipping containers that brought Chinese imports across the Pacific than to ship the empty ones back. THESE HOUSES ARE MADE OUT OF TRASH, AND IN THE FUTURE YOURS WILL BE TOO

EXPERIENCE THE LUXURIOUS LOTUS AT KENILWORTH AQUATIC GARDENS

If there’s a break in the rain this week for a few minutes, run down to the Kenilworth Aquatic Gardens and take a look at the lotus blossoms in bloom.

This national park is a serene gem nestled in between the Anacostia River and I-295. On a quiet day, you can see turtles, salamanders, butterflies, frogs, dragonflies and more. During the Lotus Blossom Festival last weekend, you could see few of these, as the grounds were overrun with small children and their parents decked out in rubber boots to protect themselves from the mud and puddles all over the paths. However, a couple of white herons could be spotted safely away from the crowds out in the water, one perched on a branch, the other slowly strolling through the shallow areas on his long legs. EXPERIENCE THE LUXURIOUS LOTUS AT KENILWORTH AQUATIC GARDENS

This stunning Mediterranean-style home is fresh new construction, so you don’t have to worry about any ghosts, odors, or finding an old, yellowed note under the floorboards that reads, “these walls consecrated forever to the Prince of Darkness, 1871.”  (Maybe that’s why all your houseplants keep dying?)

This stunning Mediterranean-style home is fresh new construction, so you don’t have to worry about any ghosts, odors, or finding an old, yellowed note under the floorboards that reads, “these walls consecrated forever to the Prince of Darkness, 1871.”  (Maybe that’s why all your houseplants keep dying?)

THINGS YOU PROBABLY DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL

For DC insiders, there’s a lot to this city –– there’s old and new architecture, an art scene, plenty of history, food and drinks to enjoy, culture abound, and so much more. To tourists, sometimes DC can seem less multidimensional –– they know our home for its monuments and cherry blossoms. And while yes, we’ve all seen the monuments, it’s safe to say there’s more to our city that meets they eye (or that goes in a tour book)…but that goes for the monuments, too. So what don’t you know about some of the cities most famous sights? You might be surprised. Here are some little-known facts about one of the most famous monuments here: The Lincoln Memorial. THINGS YOU PROBABLY DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL