THE WORST CHRISTMAS LIGHTS EVER

Tis the season … to mock our neighbors.  The sad truth about Christmas lights, judging by the photos posted in my social media feeds by former high school classmates taking their kids on suburban lights-watching tours, is that they’re just not very interesting.  As in many things, greatness requires taking risks, which means there’s a chance you could fail completely.  So most people opt for the safe route, and put up perfectly fine but forgettable decorations.

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A few brave folks, though, go all out. Some defy the odds and achieve greatness.  Others … not so much.  Let’s look at some of the ones who meant well, but fell gloriously short.

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“I really don’t feel like putting up the Christmas lights today.  Maybe I’ll take three or four of Billy’s Adderalls to put a little pep in my step; what could possibly go wrong?”

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What’s worse, this misspelling, or the fact that it took me two or three minutes of staring at this photo before I figured out what they were trying to say?

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This is the literal interpretation of Christmas, I guess.  It reminds me of my aunt who calls Thanksgiving “Turkey Day” and calls all coffee “Starbucks.”  (“It’s cold out there, I need a cup o’ hot Starbucks!”  *makes a cup of Folgers instant coffee*)

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“Effort good.”

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It’s a palm tree.  What did you think it was?  No, tell me, I seriously want to know what you thought it was.

reindeer

I’m sort of disturbed by how realistic the blood drip looks here.  I wonder if, at Easter, this person puts out a lawn decoration of a cute anthropomorphic bunny impaled on a stake with its entrails hanging out.

golden-shower

Pros: A ton of lights.
Cons:  They literally just draped them over the house in the laziest way possible.

Note that the lights are strung over the windows, too; it’s like a jail made of festivity.

peeing-santa

I feel like the people who think this sort of thing is funny are the same people you see in “hilarious” Youtube videos who wait until their drunk friend passes out and then sets their shoes on fire.

Note: that’s not *necessarily* pee, you know.

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The longer I look at this photo, the more it disturbs me.  Just look at the level of detail here.  This degree of enthusiasm borders on pathological; it’s like Christmas lights by Hieronymus Bosch.  Remember that kid in school who sat quietly in the back of class all semester, and then on the last day of school, walked over and placed a hand-drawn photographically realistic portrait of you on your desk?  That kid grew up and lives here now.

army

This person took all the talk about “The War On Christmas” so seriously that they went ahead and assembled an army.  This looks like a scene from the “Game of Thrones” Christmas special.

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The front yard at the Jim Jones household. (Too soon?)

yeti

This one is just puzzling, though I’d be in favor of replacing Santa with Bigfoot.  Just look at that claw hand.  As far as behavioral motivation goes, a piece of coal in your stocking has nothing on, “kids, you better be good, or Christmas Yeti is going to come down the chimney and eviscerate you with his razor-sharp talons!”

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“I get so keyed up, flying around the entire world in a single night, that it’s impossible to sleep afterwards.”
“I know how we can burn off some of that energy …”

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