IS THIS THE MOST MAGNIFICENT LISTING EVER WRITTEN?

cosmichouse

The first line of the listing is, Beautiful Lake and Mountain Views!  It’s an unremarkable but solid start; who doesn’t like a nice lake view?  And then immediately afterwards, we are plunged into the 9th dimension.

Exclusive!  Awesome Power magical healing site with awesome power!

And just like that, what you thought was a picturesque country house in southern Virginia reveals itself to be so much more.  Sitting on 23 acres outside Abingdon, VA, this “interdimensional and intergalactic energy site” is connected through a “POWERFUL ENERGY GRID NETWORK” to “the Pyramids, Stonehenge, Macchu Picchu, the Great Barrier Reef, Ayers Rock, and the Acropolis.”  Wow.  The next line is, “Therefore, whoever owns this property has power beyond compare to create whatever they want for themselves and to change the world.”

Wow.

The house comes with two spring-fed ponds, two creeks, a stone fireplace in the great room, a wood stove, a sun room, a beautiful wooden deck, and a passive solar heating system.  But that’s not all.  In fact, that’s nothing compared to some of the other features of the place.  Let’s take a look at some quotes.

“A 42,000 YEAR OLD INTERGALACTIC MEDICINE WHEEL”
A medicine wheel is a stone circle built by Native Americans for use in religious ceremonies.  A genuine Native American medicine wheel would be a significant cultural find, but a 42,000 year old intergalactic one?  Pfff, scientists are going to be knocking down your door.  According to the listing, it was “created 42,000 years ago, on earth month and day date June 24.”  The creepy thing is that if an intergalactic power being was writing a real estate listing, that’s probably how they’d phrase it.  *Cue “X-Files” theme*

“AN INTERDIMENSIONAL HEALING LABYRINTH”
I’m not sure what this is.  It sounds like something they would have at Coachella for when you take a bad pill.

“A STAR BEINGS ANCIENT LANDING SITE AND BURIED PYRAMID”
There are no photos of the landing site, unfortunately, so you’ll have to use your imagination.  However, the listing does state that “Intergalactic Star beings visit regularly in spirit form.”  If you thought your last neighbor, the guy who kept borrowing your leaf blower and not returning it, was annoying, just wait until Xenu is hovering above your bed while you’re trying to binge Netflix.  As to the pyramid, it “will eventually surface,” which sounds like they have no idea when this is going to happen.  Could be awkward if you rent the place out on Airbnb for a wedding and an ancient alien ziggurat erupts from the yard just as they’re wrapping up their vows.  (“I rate this property zero out of five stars, an ancient alien zigurrat erupted from the yard in the middle of my wedding.”)

“A GATEWAY THROUGH TIME AND SPACE”
Could come in handy on those days you’re running late for work.  While your coworkers are still sitting in Beltway traffic, you’ll be emerging from a glowing portal that materializes right in your cubicle.

“A HEAVEN MEETS EARTH SITE”
Technically, the entire surface of the planet is a “heaven meets earth site,” so yeah.

“A STARGATE”
Isn’t a stargate a “gateway through time and space”?  Or are they two different types of interdimensional portals?  I’m going to look into this and get back to you.

“A BIG POND”
“A very big pond that is spring fed, and a recently built dam.”  One of the most amusing things about this listing is how, sprinkled among all the cosmic stuff, are the mundane details you’d expect to see.  (Example:  “a house-shaped steel mailbox.”)

“UNLIMITED SUNRISES” 
I remember when I was about eight, I was crying because our family was packing up all our stuff to move, and I really liked that house, and when I asked my parents why we had to leave, my dad got really serious and said, “Son, the truth is, we’ve used up all this house’s sunrises.”  And I vowed, then and there, that I would never live in any house that didn’t come with unlimited sunrises.

And there’s more.  So much more.  I encourage you to go take a look for yourself.  Who knows, maybe browsing the pictures will jar something loose and make you remember a past life or thirty.

Because of all these once-in-a-millennium features, the sellers state that “THE VALUE OF THE HOUSE AND LAND IS PRICELESS.”  But, this being a time of relative economic uncertainty, they’ll part with it for 896,000 earth dollars.

One thought on “IS THIS THE MOST MAGNIFICENT LISTING EVER WRITTEN?

  1. Of course, it’s a FSBO! If they aren’t going to hire a professional Realtor, they might at least get a professional photographer!

    Like

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