“The master bath features marble counters, awesome floral wallpaper that will have come back into style by the time you finish reading this blogpost, and an incredible dry sauna that will have you sweating faster than when your significant other starts browsing through your search history.” 

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This quaint little home is that rare thing in Georgetown – a normal house.  Most Georgetown homes are either so historic that I feel like I should be wearing a three-cornered hat and complaining about the molasses tariff, or so Georgetown-y that I feel like I should be wearing a bow tie and ironed jeans.  This house falls into neither category.  Of course the irony of this place feeling so normal and non-Georgetown-y is that it is, in fact, in Georgetown, and therefore so far out of our price range that we might as well be discussing the Hope Diamond.  It’s just the illusion of normalcy, like the “Celebrities Are Just Like Us!” section in Us Weekly.

You go up the front walk, past a narrow strip of front lawn, and enter into a beautiful granite foyer;  careful in the winter, because if you slip and hit your head on the rock floors, your skull will likely explode like a balloon full of shaving cream.  The living room is quaint but warm, with built-ins, a bay window, and a stone fireplace that immediately made me think of all the Led Zeppelin songs about wizards and dragons.  The formal dining room is next;  it’s connected to the living room, kitchen, and family room, making it the central room on this level.  Good luck sticking to that diet when you can’t go anywhere in the house without passing the rest of the family dipping Domino’s breadsticks into a plastic tub of Country Crock.

The family room – well, it’s hard to really surprise me after having been to so many open houses, but this room surprised me.  Half of it – the open floor plan, the double glass doors opening to the patio – is hypercontemporary, while the other half of it – the brown wood walls, the track lighting, the, er, giant marble wall console – is basically the opposite of contemporary.  It’s amazing.  I will be personally disappointed in you if you change this room.  Also keep in mind that if you go ahead and renovate this room, by the time the renovation’s actually finished, everything you tore out will probably be on the aesthetic cutting edge.  That’s how these things work – sudden swings of the pendulum.

The kitchen is long and narrow – not an island-type kitchen, but the type of kitchen where, five minutes into cooking dinner with your significant other, you turn to them and say, “this will take much less time if you go watch TV and let me do this by myself.”  Like the family room, its wooden cabinetry and blue tile doesn’t quite fit in the present moment of all-white minimalist kitchens, but it does have a certain charm that I’d describe as “Nineties Cool Dad.”  If the trucker hat came back, would you really bet that this look won’t?

Upstairs, the master bedroom features a dizzying array of mirrors that will render it either the most erotic bedchamber imaginable, or a room you duck into to grab your phone charger when you’re high, and then forty-five minutes later your friends come upstairs to find you standing in the dark and staring at your 36 reflections with tears streaming down your cheeks.  The master bath features marble counters, awesome floral wallpaper that will have come back into style by the time you finish reading this blogpost, and an incredible dry sauna that will have you sweating faster than when your significant other starts browsing through your search history.  Downstairs, the basement is a fully outfitted apartment, ready to rent for a sum that will make you chuckle with guilt-tinged glee when you think about it lying in bed late at night.  And finally, out back is a cozy granite patio and a one-car garage;  not having to look for street parking will save you many many hours over the course of your life, hours which you will then be obligated to spend on serious, substantial matters.  (I know, aimlessly cruising around the block looking for a space might actually be preferable.)

3521 R Street NW
3 Bedrooms, 3.5 Baths
$1,285,000

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Photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy Berkshire Hathaway PenFed Realty, 202-243-4200

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