This fresh, newly-constructed Chevy Chase home is a little bit California, and a little bit East German elementary school; I really liked it, but my girlfriend insisted it looked like a “balloon warehouse,” whatever that means. Sitting on a rolling 1/3 acre lot, it backs right up to Rock Creek Park, so you’ll always be able to zip over to the woods for a hike, a mountain bike ride, or just to re-bury the huge Tupperware tub of marijuana and cash that actually generates the income you always tell everyone is from day trading.
Inside, the house is airy and bright. It takes “open floor plan” to the extreme, and with the vaulted ceilings, it seems like you could fly a kite in here. There’s a living room area oriented around a wood-burning fireplace that’ll come in handy on those cold winter nights, or when your lawyer calls at 3AM and tells you the FBI is on their way to seize your tax records. The kitchen is one of the largest I’ve ever seen, with a sizable island, stainless steel appliances, and so much counterspace that you could probably use it as a runway to launch a small plane. There’s also a wet bar, so if your dinner guests start showing pictures of their new baby, you can walk right over and fix yourself a tall drink (of hemlock). Out back is a very large stone patio that looks out on a pristine putting-green of a lawn that’s surrounded by a sloping landscaped bowl surmounted by a privacy fence. You could set up a stone altar for pagan sacrifices in the middle of the yard, and the neighbors would be none the wiser.
Upstairs, the second floor overlooks the main level at various places around the house, meaning that when you’re not spying, you’re probably being spied on. There’s a large sitting room area up on the landing, and the master suite is spacious and bright. It opens, via glass doors, onto a private balcony, and there’s a small sitting area where you can sit at night and watch your significant other sleep while wondering how you’re going to break it to them that you lost your job six months ago and for the past half year have been commuting downtown every morning just to sit in a Starbucks all day and watch TV on your phone. There’s an epic dressing room-slash-walk-in closet too, with enough storage for every item of clothing you’ve ever owned or ever will own in your entire life. The Porcelanosa master bath is exceptionally nice, with twin basins (there’s actually room for a third or even a fourth basin, Utah-style, wink wink) and a soaking tub the size of a horse trough. And the glass-walled shower’s probably big enough to accommodate one of those inflatable plastic loveseats. (Admit it, it’s not a bad idea.)
On the third floor is a kitchenette; whereas most houses put the in-law/nanny suite in the basement, this house puts it up top. There’s also a gym up there, which is convenient; now you can not work out in the comfort of your own home instead of not working out downtown at the gym. And finally, the third floor landing opens onto a stunning roof deck, which has an awesome view into the park. “Mommy,” your child will say, “why is Daddy burying that large plastic Tupperware tub in the park?” “Well, if the feds find his stash on public land, it will be much harder for them to charge Daddy with – oh, never mind, you’ll understand when you’re older.”
6940 Oregon Avenue NW
6 Bedrooms, 6.5 Baths
All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy TTR Sotheby’s, 202-333-1212