“Living here would mean becoming one of those families who have so many rooms in their house that they have to start making up uses for them.  (“This is the room we use to store all the hair-covered sheets you peel off the outside of the lint roller.”)”

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This is the first open house I ever went to where the house reminded me of the hotel from “The Shining.”  Not because it has tidal waves of blood pouring out of the dumbwaiters or any vague atmosphere of evil, but just because it’s so huge.  Look at it, looming there all squat and monolithic with like 35 bedrooms.  (Okay, six.)  Living here would mean becoming one of those families who have so many rooms in their house that they have to start making up uses for them.  (“This is the room we use to store all the hair-covered sheets you peel off the outside of the lint roller.”)

It’s as spectacular inside as it is outside;  the living room is massive, with coffered ceilings, an antique fireplace, and oversized floor-to-ceiling windows so big that if you put doorknobs on them, they’d easily pass as doors.  Off the living room is a spectacular sunroom, with a small fountain and more than enough windows to turn the space into a molten solar inferno by noon.  The formal dining room is huge but also warm and inviting.  (There’s a “your mom” joke there that I’m far too mature and sophisticated to make.)  There’s a beautiful study-slash-home office with a picture window through which you have a fantastic cathedral view.  Maybe too fantastic;  it’s so close that when they ring the bell in the tower, I bet you can feel it in your molars.  The kitchen has an equally fantastic view, as well as top-of-the-line stainless steel everything, and more counterspace in square footage than the entire floorplan of many Tokyo apartments.  There’s also a butler’s pantry where there’s very likely not a burglar hiding, but you better get dressed and go downstairs just to make sure.  (I told you that eating that entire pot brownie would make you paranoid!)

Upstairs, the master bedroom suite is one of the most palatial I’ve ever seen.  There’s a legit sitting room area that’s almost as large as the bedroom itself, complete with built-ins and a massive fireplace, and the bedroom has twin oversized windows and a walk-in closet.  The master suite also features the absolute most important home feature for a successful relationship; his and hers bathrooms.  There’s really no upside to sharing a bathroom with your significant other.  Even if you avoid having outright screaming matches with each other, they’ll still slowly, steadily transform in your mind from “Steve, the love of my life,” to “the disgusting man-child who throws his used flossers on the floor like they’re peanut shells in a Texas roadhouse.”  Upstairs is a cavernous but unfinished attic that I personally found incredibly cool and bohemian;  I would totally live up there as is, drinking absinthe and pretending to be a 19th century French painter. (Let’s conveniently ignore that most 19th century French painters died at 35 of scurvy and rat bites.)

Really though, as nice as this house is inside, the grounds are the real crown jewel.  The sunroom opens onto a massive flagstone patio, that overlooks the 40-foot pool.  A lot of houses have, like, a token pool that’s really only there so the owner can casually mention in social settings that they have a pool, but this is a serious pool.  Olympians could train in this pool.  There’s a large rock garden, and plenty of separate gardens and lawns and yards where you can sit on a sunny afternoon with a glass of iced tea and a book, pretending that every fiber of your being isn’t screaming for you to run back inside and check your phone for notifications.  The surrounding lawn is extensively landscaped, with a privacy screen of trees and shrubbery, and a small pond that you know, rationally, is too shallow to cannonball into, but hey, after four or five beers, the phrase “hospitalized with a fracture tailbone” starts to sound like something that only happens to other people.

3512 Lowell Street NW
6 Bedrooms, 5.5 Baths
$4,995,000

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All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy Washington Fine Properties, 202-333-3320

 

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