“Does this house look sort of like the eight foot-high stack of boxes in your entryway that you’re too lazy to take out for recycling?  Yes.  Would I give one of my kidneys to live here anyway? Also yes.”

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Does this house look sort of like the eight foot-high stack of boxes in your entryway that you’re too lazy to take out for recycling?  Yes.  Would I give one of my kidneys to live here anyway?  Also yes.  This hypermodern – and newly-constructed! – home is so relentlessly edgy that if it was a person, it would say things at dinner parties like, “maybe the human race is a disease and climate change is the cure.”  (The house is much less annoying, though.)

Inside, it’s filled with light, since nearly every room has at least one wall of floor-to-ceiling windows.  If your disgruntled ex ever gets their hands on a BB gun, you’re gonna be in for some real trouble.  When you enter the foyer, there’s an open, glass-sided staircase that’s surrounded by windows, so going upstairs feels less like walking up a staircase and more like rising up through a shaft of pure light, like the Rapture or something.  Ahead is the massive dining room, which has a hardwood ceiling, because hardwood floors are sooooo 2017.  (What’s the next trend, stainless steel counters and marble appliances?)  The great room is actually pretty great (someone start a Change.org petition to have it renamed the “Actually Pretty Great Room”), with a gas fireplace and access to not one but two outdoor terraces.

The gourmet kitchen is massive, with miles of marble counters, glass-front cabinetry, and a marble-topped island so big that you could put an air mattress and tent up there, and do a “sit-in” to protest that your significant other came home with Kashi when you specifically asked for Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  (Or you could just leave them.  I would just leave them.)  There’s also a wine fridge, though we all know that no matter what you put in there, your wine enthusiast friend is going to come over, look inside, and be like, “no no no, you don’t drink this chilled, you silly little fool!”  The kitchen also opens onto a huge flagstone patio which is conspicuously un-railinged, meaning that after a few glasses of wine you could casually cannonball into the lilacs, which is something we’ve all thought about.  (Just avoid the cacti.)

Upstairs, the master bedroom has an entire wall of floor-to-ceiling windows, but the view from the next house is screened off by trees, so go ahead and stroll around in that super short bathrobe you stole from that spa in Palm Springs.  There are not one but two walk-in closets, and the master bath sports twin basins and a soaking tub big enough that I bet you could idle a jet-ski in there, no problem.  On the top floor is a sprawling family room that opens onto yet another deck – the largest one yet.  From up here, you could hurl your neighbor’s Amazon package that got mistakenly delivered to your house all the way to his backyard, which is a lot more convenient than walking it over.  And finally, the lower level is a huge rec room with a full wet bar.  I can think of a lot better things to do with your spare time than sitting in a basement and drinking liquor, but – actually, no I can’t.  Carry on.

2905 University Terrace NW
5 Bedrooms, 6.5 Bedrooms
$3,995,000

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All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy TTR Sotheby’s, 202-333-1212

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