OUR MOST POPULAR POSTS OF ALL TIME!

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As you may or may not have heard, Urban Scrawl is shutting down.  I won’t bore you with the details (we’re rebranding as a Russian troll farm to get some of that sweet, sweet Super PAC money for the midterms), but in this moment I’m keeping in mind the famous saying by Dr. Seuss: “Don’t be sad that it’s over, be glad that you averaged 30K unique pageviews per month!”  (Looking to hire a writer?  Call me.)  (But not until I’ve exhausted all my unemployment checks.)

Like any bruised ego staring down an ignominious end (*coughthepresidentcough*), our first instinct is to toot our own proverbial horn.  And so, by popular demand – please stop calling my parents at work – here are our most popular posts OF ALL TIME.

10.  “Studies Confirm That You Should Live Alone, Even (Especially) If You’re Married”

If there wasn’t a “Seinfeld” episode in which George Costanza precipitates a breakup with his girlfriend by convincing her to move in with him, and then disgusting her with his sheer relentless humanity, there should’ve been.

9.  “Ulta Chaata: The Inverted Umbrella Harvesting Solar Energy and Drinkable Water”

I like to think that a lot of these views were from worried electric and water utilities officials who were poring over this article late at night like, “we’ve got to stop this solar water filter umbrella thing, or we’re toast!”

8.  “Aircrete Domes Are Lovely DIY Homes”

You can build an invulnerable, naturally insulated, waterproof, pestproof dome house for a few thousand dollars, but people are still out here competing to pay millions of dollars for decades-old piles of bricks.  SMH.

7.  “Landlords Beware: The Worst Airbnb Disasters Ever”

Oh man, I forgot that Ja Rule put on a private performance at the notorious Airbnb party house in Dupont!  Why would anyone pay Ja Rule to perform at their house?  That’s like paying someone to wet your bed.

6.   “Dockless Bikeshares Prove Yet Again That We Can’t Have Nice Things”

I hate to admit this, and I’m trying hard to be a better person, but every time I see a dockless bikeshare bike, or one of those scooters, some part of me is like, “hey, wouldn’t it be hilarious to throw that in the river?!”  Is that a general guy thing, or just a me thing?

5.  “The Best Thrift Stores In DC”

The fact that this post is still heavily-trafficked gives me hope for the future.  Paying corporations to make you look like everyone else is the definition of “lose-lose,” people.

4.  “The Creepiest Little Town in Florida (Or Anywhere Else)”

Most of the traffic on this post came after one of the inhabitants of this town saw the post, reposted it on the town’s local message board, and hundreds of angry old people sent us all-caps emails threatening legal action.  That’s definitely the way to prove you’re not creepy!

3.  “The Best Abandoned Buildings In (Or Near) DC”

For a long time, I assumed the people who were Googling “abandoned buildings in DC” were just intrepid urban explorers looking for backdrops for social media pics.  Then one day it occurred to me that some of the people Googling “abandoned buildings in DC” were probably looking for a place to dump a body.

2.  “What It’s Really Like to (Legally) Buy Weed in DC” 

Man, remember when we thought legalization was going to hit the city like an A-bomb?  Like overnight, DC was going to turn into Amsterdam or something?  Absolutely nothing has changed, except now in every office there’s that one person who has a story about the time they ate three pot brownies and then accidentally locked themselves in the bathroom for three hundred years, except it was only ten minutes, and the door wasn’t even locked, it didn’t even have a lock on it.

1.  “The Potomac Is Much Scarier Than We Realize”

Site stats tell us that most of this post’s traffic came from people who Googled, “are there sharks in the Potomac?”  This makes me happy, if only because I like imagining thousands of people clicking on the link, seeing the photos of the 18-foot sharks people have caught in the Potomac, and then shouting, “Carl, cancel the boat rental!”

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