… Up on the top level is a lavish recreation room with a wet bar, so once you take that weekend class in mixology you’re always talking about, you can make elaborate cocktails for your friends that they’ll discreetly pour into a potted plant the second you leave the room. And finally, outside on the roof deck is – hold onto your hats – a HOT TUB. I might make the occasional hot tub-related wisecrack, probably involving Cinemax movies I watched late at night as a teenager, but I’m the first to admit that if I had my own hot tub, I’d be in there every single night.
… The lower level of the home is a big rec room with a wine fridge and a wet bar, so just resign yourself now to hosting every Super Bowl party for the next decade. There’s also a sauna down here, so instead of hitting the gym and dieting (ugh) for 10 weeks the next time you have to be in a friend’s wedding, you can just wait until the week before and sweat off twenty pounds in here like a high school wrestler making weight.
… This stunning Mediterranean-style home is fresh new construction, so you don’t have to worry about any ghosts, odors, or finding an old, yellowed note under the floorboards that reads, “these walls consecrated forever to the Prince of Darkness, 1871.” (Maybe that’s why all your houseplants keep dying?)
… Stroll down the foyer and you come to the living room. What can I say, it’s a room. It’s nice-sized, with several large windows, and enough space for one of those huge sectional sofas that are more comfortable to sleep on than an actual bed. What else? There’s a little shelf on the wall. You can stack all the cash you’re not paying towards rent anymore on the shelf. Your friends will come over and be like, “why is there $75,000 in stacked hundreds on that bookshelf?” (“That’s all the money I’m not paying on rent anymore, since I bought this place. I’m stacking it on that shelf because my aunt forwarded me an e-mail about the Federal Reserve and now I don’t trust banks.”) It’s a nice living room.
… I don’t think this is the most expensive place to ever hit the market in Shaw, but it’s up there. That, incidentally, would be a great, albeit unsubtle humblebrag-ish thing to say to your friends when they come over to see your new place. “I don’t think this was the most expensive place to ever hit the market in Shaw, but it was up there! Ha ha!” Then when your friends are in the car on the way home, they can do a vicious, nasal impression of you saying that. “‘I don’t think this was the most expensive place to ever hit the market in Shaw, but it was up there!’ Why would he even say that?! He might as well just grab you by the shoulders and shout, ‘I’m rich!’ We’re definitely not inviting him to the wedding.” (Not being invited to your wedding is a gift, not a punishment, Brenda.)
… “The inside of this mansion is as impressive as the outside; the living room is bright and airy, with an antique fireplace, and direct access to the screened-in porch. Sleeping in a screened-in porch is one of the best things about summer, along with cookouts with friends, and snickering at that stripe of sweat down the middle of your boss’s back when he comes back from lunch.”